My Self Anaylsis

A few interesting events have taken place in the last week or two. I got to reminiscing with Marco and made a short list of men I had feelings for at some point. Things obviously ended for various reasons with these few men. Anyone who knows me knows how strongly I believe in exs are exs for a reason and to never go back.

Anyway, so it was odd for me to look back and wonder how these few men are. Dennis, Russo, and Brian. They were all from around the same point in my life. I loved each of these men for different reasons and what they brought out in me. I am forever changed by these men. So I wanted to see if they were happy in life.

Well, I found Russo and had a couple decent conversations with him. He has a 3 year old daughter now that he was tricked into and it changed him some but for the most part he is still the player he once was. It works for him and he has the charisma to carry it off and he would never intentionally hurt anyone. I just never learned to share and he wanted his cake and to eat it too. I would never have been with another man when I was with him and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting home waiting for him to come to his senses and stop fucking other women. So I left. He still wants the same thing even 12 years later.

I was particulary curious about Brian because he was not from Memphis so I had no idea how to check up on him without actually trying to find him. And again this is a fairly new phenomenon in my life of looking backwards. If you live in the past you tend to fall over your future and never get the sweet joy of living in the now.

ok so back to Brian, I posted an ad on CL in Orlando just one the random off chance. Seriously how many ppl read CL and how many ppl live in Orlando? The chances seemed ridiculous on ever finding him. Well, I got an email from a man who went to high school with him and told me he'd let him know. Well I got an email from Brian and I responded back but nothing yet. So my bet is that he is gone for good now. Which I am totally ok with. I guess my curiousity has been sated for now.

The third one was by far the most profound one. Dennis. I met Dennis online and we hit it off as kind of flirty friends but I never thought anything would actually happen as I was 16 I think. Maybe possibly 17 and still in high school and he was 24. Dennis was a good guy. A bit goofy and childish but hell looking back aren't we all at that age? Dennis spent most of our time together telling me not to fall for him. I did anyway but tried hard to keep it to myself. He decided to call me and end it one day. It hurt a lot but I bounced back and moved on.

Years later Dennis shows back up in my life. I partied hard during those years and slept with dozens of men. I settled down and ended up with Brian. Towards the end of Brian and I's relationship I ended up cheating on Brian with Dennis. The one and only time I have ever cheated on anyone.

He was so scared of being tied down that it was better to let him go. Kinda goes back to the adage of let it go and if it comes back it is meant to be yours. Well, Dennis never came back. He ended up marrying another girl.

Well back around to the point is that while I wondered about Dennis I never once considered looking for him. It was just not an option. Dennis changed my life in more ways then he will ever really know. I still remember conversations and I still see things the way I learned from him. He is forever weaved into my soul and my being and my thoughts and my way of life.

Hell I even thought my darling stalker was Dennis because of the Sharks. But a few short days ago Dennis found me again. He apologized for making the wrong choice by marrying the other girl. But the kicker is that he is still married to her. They have been married for 8 years. Dennis and I haven't seen each other in about 10 years. He remembers our relationship like I do. He remembers things I had forgotten about.

Dennis has evolved into an incredible man. We joke and laugh and talk like nothing has changed and no time has been wasted between us. He is the only man who isn't scared of me and all my moods and changes. He is just as intelligent as I am. He is such a positive person now. I couldn't be more proud to be friends with a man like him.

I truly wish he finds his happiness with his wife again.

So I sit here in the dark listening to music and typing this entry out with heart wrenching tears streaming down my face. Not only for what I once lost with him 10 years ago but for now and knowing I can't continue on with him while he is married because I will only fall in love with him again.

I am grieving tonight not only for the past but for the future as well. Sometimes there is a song that says it so perfectly. I did change one word in it though.


"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I wasn't exaggerating when I told him that I would survive another heartbreak. I barely made it through the last one with him. I let him go and he didn't come back.

But I am broken now. All of it has broken me. I am simply a shell that people continue to depend on and want around so I am a ghost of my former self. Enough to let the people think its real. Why hurt anyone else when a simple delusion makes them happy?

But thats all I can give anymore. I don't have anything left in me. So I will continue to go to work and love my job. I will stay on the outskirts an avoid getting personally involved with anyone. I will date loser jerks because then I have a good reason not to continue on with them. I will find contentment alone. I complain about not having any friends but I don't have anything to give to anyone. I will work and pay bills and be a mother to my daughter. I will focus all I have left on her. She needs me. She is still at the age where she thinks she will live with me forever. I don
t have many of tose precious years left before she is ready to be done with me. Then I an happily crawl inside myself and lock the world out.

Goodnight.

Ok! I have no idea what I am going to write

I am sitting here reading a story entitled "My husband is a snail and I can't whisper." Well about 2 paragraphs into this story I lost interest. It just didn't pertain to me but it did get my juices flowing for the fact that I have avoided my blog as of late.

I'm not even sure why I have. Part of it is the fear of waiting for my biopsy results to come back. Yes I am sick of half bleeding to death and yes I am tired of the pain. I am tired of trying to wait and see if THIS month if I will hit the menstrual lottery yet again. I want my uterus out! I am 100% positive I don't want more kids. And I no longer need the womb.

But why in the world do I fear feeling different if it is removed? Now I don't have those cliche feelings of "will I be less of a women now?" or "what's going to happen to my sex life?" No! My fear is not feeling complete.

It's silly I know but I felt this way when I had my tonsils removed and my appendix and my gallbladder. Even though these things also caused me pain and problem after probelm. They are still mine and they belong inside of me.

Yes I am strange. You haven't figured that out in reading my previous posts yet? Seriously do we need to call the short bus to get you home safely? Yes I am feeling particularly cruel at the moment.

Why am I feeling cruel? Well, let's just say I am feeling pretty good today other than being in one of the most miserable points in my life. I don't think I will ever find a job at this rate. It's frustrating to be looking so long for work that jobs you applied for and were filled by another person are now available again. When I know for a fact that if they had taken a chance on me they would have still had a wonderful employee filling the spot happily.

My other stress point is living at home with my parents. I hate it. I can't be myself. I can't have friends over to hang out. I can't have any space to live. When I try to seek privacy in the sanctuary of my room I am blasted for being anti-social. It's a very frustrating cycle.

But back to the friends part. I don't have any. Yeah there is M but ever since he admitted he thought about us in a relationship from time to time it freaked me out. He looks at me completely different than from the way I view him. We have fun together but honestly after 7 years I think its time to move on and find more friends. I just have no idea how to go about doing that. I am so different than any of the other moms at the girl's school. All those moms have been glued at the hip since the births of their precious little people. I am an outsider.

I keep thinking maybe I will go to Wolf Grove and meet some people who share my religious views but I don't get up and go. I don't know what's stopping me. Is it possibly shyness? Hell it is more likely the fear of rejection. I don't know. Most days I feel like I have one foot out the door. Ready to bolt back to what I know and love th ebest. Tennessee. But I stay here in Texas and sacrafice my own happiness so the girl child has a good life.

Isn't that what being a parent is all about?