I am sitting here reading a story entitled "My husband is a snail and I can't whisper." Well about 2 paragraphs into this story I lost interest. It just didn't pertain to me but it did get my juices flowing for the fact that I have avoided my blog as of late.
I'm not even sure why I have. Part of it is the fear of waiting for my biopsy results to come back. Yes I am sick of half bleeding to death and yes I am tired of the pain. I am tired of trying to wait and see if THIS month if I will hit the menstrual lottery yet again. I want my uterus out! I am 100% positive I don't want more kids. And I no longer need the womb.
But why in the world do I fear feeling different if it is removed? Now I don't have those cliche feelings of "will I be less of a women now?" or "what's going to happen to my sex life?" No! My fear is not feeling complete.
It's silly I know but I felt this way when I had my tonsils removed and my appendix and my gallbladder. Even though these things also caused me pain and problem after probelm. They are still mine and they belong inside of me.
Yes I am strange. You haven't figured that out in reading my previous posts yet? Seriously do we need to call the short bus to get you home safely? Yes I am feeling particularly cruel at the moment.
Why am I feeling cruel? Well, let's just say I am feeling pretty good today other than being in one of the most miserable points in my life. I don't think I will ever find a job at this rate. It's frustrating to be looking so long for work that jobs you applied for and were filled by another person are now available again. When I know for a fact that if they had taken a chance on me they would have still had a wonderful employee filling the spot happily.
My other stress point is living at home with my parents. I hate it. I can't be myself. I can't have friends over to hang out. I can't have any space to live. When I try to seek privacy in the sanctuary of my room I am blasted for being anti-social. It's a very frustrating cycle.
But back to the friends part. I don't have any. Yeah there is M but ever since he admitted he thought about us in a relationship from time to time it freaked me out. He looks at me completely different than from the way I view him. We have fun together but honestly after 7 years I think its time to move on and find more friends. I just have no idea how to go about doing that. I am so different than any of the other moms at the girl's school. All those moms have been glued at the hip since the births of their precious little people. I am an outsider.
I keep thinking maybe I will go to Wolf Grove and meet some people who share my religious views but I don't get up and go. I don't know what's stopping me. Is it possibly shyness? Hell it is more likely the fear of rejection. I don't know. Most days I feel like I have one foot out the door. Ready to bolt back to what I know and love th ebest. Tennessee. But I stay here in Texas and sacrafice my own happiness so the girl child has a good life.
Isn't that what being a parent is all about?
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