Mothers are the Root of All Evil

I have done extensive studies on this topic. Mothers are the root of all evil. It doesn't matter if they are super sweet and loving angels or creatures of destruction and doom. It all comes out about the same.

No matter what kind of mother you have there is something in your life that you do or act like because of your mother. More than likely these are not always the happy behaviors of Thanksgiving traditions, but something more akin to screeching like a harpy at your spouse.

Now in my defense there are some wonderful mothers out there. I, myself am a mother. But here in lies the difference...or does it? I know I am screwing up my kid. i know she will looks back on her younger years and wonder why the hell I forced her to wear a seatbelt. Or why I yelled at her for moving at supersonic might as well be moving in reverse speed. I KNOW I do these things. I know I am nuts.

How do I know this you ask? Very well...I shall tell you. MY MOTHER IS FREAKING NUTS AND IS DRAGGING ME DOWN WITH HER!

Ok so yes, I know she has medical issues that cause her insanity but for fucks sake just shut up already! No one cares 45 minutes after you discovered a dish turned the wrong way in the dishwasher! You other daughter doesn't call you because she doesn't want to sit and listen to you complain for 3 hours!

My godfather told me there must be a special place in Heaven for people like me to deal with people like my mother. Well fuck I hope so! I should be declared a goddamn saint for the shit I have to put up with! I am told no less than 12 times a week that I am not a very good mother, that I have too much stuff, that I am a screw up, and several other minor things not even worth mentioning.

For anybody who actually knows me they know this isn't true. My mother just has to nitpick and fuss and bitch about anything and everything AND then call everyone else negative. Again, not sure how this is supposed to work. I really truly wish someone would loan me a map to study to navigate through a crazy person's mind.

She's killing me. Now I know why my stepdad let us move in with them so he had someone to take more of the brunt off him. She switches between the 2 of us now. One day it will be him and then the next its all me. At least P and I have something in common and we share a great deal of mean humor between us. We tease her and torment her but mostly behind her back. It is our only way to lighten the evilness that she bestows upon our family.

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to have to sit a child down and explain to her that her grandmother is crazy and we have to really watch what we say in front of her? And its ok just because grandma is crying and threatening to committ suicide doesn't mean she actually will. That's a great lesson to teach a kid! Let's sign her up for more.

So I guess the moral of this story is...yes mothers are the root of all our insecurities and questions about ourselves. But I relish in the fact that no matter how much I may screw my own kid up it could never come close to how my mother screwed me up!

Today is my Brother's Day

June 8, 2007 my most precious of adopted brothers was killed by his brother. Because he lay on the bathroom floor dying and no one calling for help my brother lost his life and wasn't actually pronounced dead until the 9th. The murderer left my brother to die on the floor because of all the drugs and underage kids and alcohol in his house. No one could walk my brother 2 blocks down the street to the emergency room to save him. They let him die alone.

My brother, Tym, was a truly amazing soul. From his deaths prior to the final one he changed into one of those people who can see things in ways mere mortals cannot. He knew things. He saw into people. He many times over gave me the tools to find the answers I needed. I love him and I can't remember a time he wasn't in my life. I miss him dearly.

Tym's anniversary only compounds my pain of losing my dad too. I lost both of my rocks less than a year apart. Both murdered by people who were supposed to love them. Why is life such a cruel joke?

I miss them both. Tym I love you mushly! Daddy I love you!

Why the fuck......

do people assume they know me? Why the fuck do people presume to know what is best for me? Why the fuck do people push their insecure issues off onto me? Do I not have enough of my own?

I am a one woman legion of idiosyncrisies! I have my own shit to deal with. I am comig out of a years long funk only to be battered over and over by people who are obviously heartless and self serving. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!

I don't need your drama. I don't need to sweep up after you and I sure as fuck don't need your anger towards the rest of the world directed at me?

Yeah now is the time I point to myself and call the kettle black. I am more than aware of my failings as a human being but don't presume you know me or what I want. Don't joke about it. Don't push my buttons. Oh and yes in case you haven't noticed... THIS is a big one!

I will not be told how to live my life. I will not be told what I want out of MY life because it is what you secretly want out of ours. I do not want marriage. I do not want children. I want to live in peace and quiet and maybe one day far down the road I want to find a man I can share my quiet with. A man who will be quiet along side me.

All of these men in my life right now are nothing more than a stepping stone. I know that. THAT is why I do not lead anyone on. When someone asks me what I want I tell them friends. I might even find one I want to fuck. I am very particular about that because I won't risk my life like I once did. I managed to survive with NO diseases in fucking over 100 men. Yes that number is a low ball. I know what I was like. I enjoyed every second of it as well. But I also no longer have a death wish. I have a beautiful child I want to be here for.

And well truth be told there is no sex good enough to risk dying for it. I doubt there is a man on this planet worth my life. I have no soulmate. I don't want soulmate.

Yes I get lonely so I fill my loneliness with men and chat and emails. It fills a void in me that can't be filled any other way.

I have embarked on one of my hardest journeys in life. I found myself once and I lost her. The girl in the garden....(thanks Sooj)

Well I have been proven right AGAIN

Men are scum. Even the ones who seem like great and wonderful men at first turn into scum. J never emailed me or called or anything. I know his vacation didn't last this long. I even tried to convince myself I was wrong. I went back and read the emails and replayed the whole thing in my mind.

For a few brief days I was excited and happy to talk to someone who understood me. Someone I seemed to connect with. But yet again he turned into an ass. No calls, no emails, nothing. J I hope you read this and feel like the prick that you are! You are a grown fucking man and if you can't bother to email and say hey...I don't think I am going to pursue this anymore. That would have been the decent thing. You claim to want a decent woman and you had a serious shot at one but noooooo you have to be a prick.

Ok, now that I am done venting about that I will move on to better things. So anyway I ran across an ad for a job I applied for back in Feb. I know I didn't get the job because of the fact that I had this horrendous cough the entire time during the interview. It was cold outside and hot in the office which set my sinuses off. So in my desperate I need a job fashion I emailed the boss again with my resume and told him that I know I interview badly and he was missing a chance to have a fabulous employee if he would only give me a chance.

Now I have a creepy crazy guy who won't leave me alone. He keeps calling and texting me. He was leaving these crazy messages on my voicemail. He was asking me why I had hurt him and how I was acting like this after I said I wasn't like other women. Not even in this context either did I say this. I just can't get away fast enough when the red flags start popping up. I hadn't even met him and he was talking like we had been together for years. No thanks time to step off.

Ok well, I am going back to the sending resume thing. I have some other things to deal with and then hopefully I should start getting some phone calls. I need to get the birthday party invites ready for the kids who I don't have home addresses for so LeiLei can take them to school Thursday and give them to those kids. So far we have 5 yes's to attend out of the 17 kids she invited. But that was just a save the date email. I haven't sent out the real invitations yet. I am excited about the party but also dreading it as well. Bowling alley...kids...oh wait there is a bar by the lanes! HAHA

Ok I am going back to real life now. I think I have caught up on everything I have missed in the last week or so. Hopefully I have anyway!