Why the fuck......

do people assume they know me? Why the fuck do people presume to know what is best for me? Why the fuck do people push their insecure issues off onto me? Do I not have enough of my own?

I am a one woman legion of idiosyncrisies! I have my own shit to deal with. I am comig out of a years long funk only to be battered over and over by people who are obviously heartless and self serving. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!

I don't need your drama. I don't need to sweep up after you and I sure as fuck don't need your anger towards the rest of the world directed at me?

Yeah now is the time I point to myself and call the kettle black. I am more than aware of my failings as a human being but don't presume you know me or what I want. Don't joke about it. Don't push my buttons. Oh and yes in case you haven't noticed... THIS is a big one!

I will not be told how to live my life. I will not be told what I want out of MY life because it is what you secretly want out of ours. I do not want marriage. I do not want children. I want to live in peace and quiet and maybe one day far down the road I want to find a man I can share my quiet with. A man who will be quiet along side me.

All of these men in my life right now are nothing more than a stepping stone. I know that. THAT is why I do not lead anyone on. When someone asks me what I want I tell them friends. I might even find one I want to fuck. I am very particular about that because I won't risk my life like I once did. I managed to survive with NO diseases in fucking over 100 men. Yes that number is a low ball. I know what I was like. I enjoyed every second of it as well. But I also no longer have a death wish. I have a beautiful child I want to be here for.

And well truth be told there is no sex good enough to risk dying for it. I doubt there is a man on this planet worth my life. I have no soulmate. I don't want soulmate.

Yes I get lonely so I fill my loneliness with men and chat and emails. It fills a void in me that can't be filled any other way.

I have embarked on one of my hardest journeys in life. I found myself once and I lost her. The girl in the garden....(thanks Sooj)