I have a Dream

It doesn't seem like that big of a dream. It is an important dream though. I dream of not being alone. I dream of a man who worships me for the Goddess I am. He loves the fact that I am a witch. He thinks there is no way I could get any better. I want a man who values my strength and courage. I want a man who doesn't make empty promises to me but just is. He should be dependable and kind. He should be attentive and there when I need him. He should have his own life so we have time apart. I do not want to be consumed by him. I just want to be loved by him.

Now being that I am a witch I could easily cast a spell to bring this man to my life but I would forever question the validity. I did this once before and it ended so badly I couldn't be with anyone else for about 6 years after.

If I had the opportunity to tick off a list of the qualities I wanted in a man it would sound like a grocery list. And that is a key in casting a spell to have specifics or the universe can and most certainly play it out the way she sees fit. The universe as you know has a sense of humor and will use you as amusement if you leave yourself open to it.

The physical side of Mystery Man X is not as important. However having said that I need to be attracted to him. I want a man who 6 ft tall or more. I prefer bald or dark haired men but could equally be attracted to light hair. I prefer no facial hair or very little. He needs to be in good shape. Muscular with strong chest and arms. A little belly is cute but not too much. And as superficial as it might seem he needs to be white.

The emotional side is very important. He should have above average intelligence and use it to his advantage. He should be successful in his career. He should be single and want a monogamous relationship. He should be Pagan or at the least very Pagan friendly. He should be open minded and not be cruel to anyone or anything. He should be protective of those he loves. He should be dedicated to his family. He should be funny and able to relax when he is home. He should have similar goals as me. He should never be cruel or violent towards a woman or child.

He should love to snuggle but know when I need to be free. He should have faults as well. Leave the wet towel on the bathroom floor. Forget to mow the lawn some weeks. He should understand that the little things he does to let me know he is thinking of me is what will endure him into my heart forever.

I know this is an impossible dream to dream. But isn't that what dreams are for? To imagine having the impossible? There is no way a man of this caliber exists and is straight and would be into me exactly as I am. So for now I will continue to dream.

Which sort of brings me to another topic. Is it ok to love someone and let them fall in love with you if you know things aren't going to progress into your happily ever after? I guess a Mr. Right versus a Mr. Right Now. I love a man. I am not in love with him by any means. And I know he is falling for me. Even though we both agreed to keep it light. I am lonely and want him to stay in my life for now. I also know that he is not my One. Do I back out now before he falls even more or do I stay and let him love me knowing we will never be more?

Reflections

It's approximately 7 am on a Saturday morning. I have been awake for 2 hours now laying in bed in the dark contemplating several things.

The first and I suppose reason behind everything is that I have just one measly week before I turn 32. Now don't get me wrong. I love birthdays. I really don't mind getting older. What I do mind, however, is that I feel stuck. I feel like its time for some major changes.

Now as far as these changes go I have a lot of work to do and I just plain don't know where to start. And I am scared because I know these changes I want to make are going to well....change my life and that is a scary prospect. I am comfortable but not happy.

So I guess the first step is to figure out if I really am ready to make these changes. Am I ready to let go of some baggage? Am I ready to look different? Am I ready to accept new people into my life?

I am terrified but yes I am ready. It's far time to shake things up and find my happiness.

My first goal is to lose weight and get into better shape. I bought a membership to the gym and have yet to use it. I am using my daughter as an excuse. She should be the reason I am running to the gym and a life. I need to take care of myself so I can be here for her. All of this excess weight was put on during the time in my life when I was with a very abusive man. All it is is a reminder that I put the weight on to protect myself.

I have worked hard in the last few years to get myself back into a good place. My confidence is rising. I know what a truly awesome person I am. I am a fabulous mother. I bust my butt all day everyday at work and no one can find fault in the quality of work I do. I am happy in almost all areas of my life except for just a few.

After I work on the weight problem I fully intend to start putting myself out there. I have healed from the past relationships and I am ready to find someone to spend some time with. I don't necessarily want to settle down just yet but a nice slow easy relationship with no pressure would be really nice about now.

Last night I was sitting outside enjoying the quiet nighttime and then it hit me. I am lonely. Yes I have dozens of men I fill some of my time with. And the reason for that is because I am lonely. I miss Daniel. I am still undeniably very much in love with Daniel and so I date and flirt and mess around with lots of men trying to mask the pain I feel from losing Daniel.

So the root of the problem is that I am unhappy with myself. I figure if I change my weight, I change my romantic life, and I change anything else about me it will make me happier. I am sure in some ways it will. But the true root of it is that I am broken. The events in my life have finally taken a toll on me and there is not enough glue in the world to put me back together again. I want to fix myself I just don't know why I can't or how to start.

Th e Worst Pain I Have Ever Felt

Today I shattered again. Not fully mind you because I haven't finished this out yet. Once that is done I will be a shell once again.

I knew better than to open myself up to anyone. I did and now I am paying that price. I hurt more then I have ever hurt in my entire existence. Part of my soul has died and I will never be able to rebuild it.

The love of my life, Daniel, a man who has given me more in a month then any other person I have ever come in contact with. He healed me. He made me safe. He made me believe in myself again. Today he was offered a fantastic job 2500 miles away from me. He hasn't made a decision yet but it is an incredible opportunity.

He sees us staying together long distance. I have done the long distance thing before and it never works. It gets harder and harder. He would never ask me to come with him because he will refuse to let me uproot LeiLei. Which in the long run is a good thing.

I just can't breathe without him. I have never depended on a soul in my life and I don't know how to live without him now.

I did some thinking on my drive home and came to the conclusion that I have to let him go. I am a creature of faith. If he stays here then we can be together but I can't do long distance. My faith is not strong enough to believe it will work out in the end and we will ned up happily ever after. Real life doesn't work that way.

So now I am waiting until he calls me tonight to explain to him that even though I love him more than I have ever loved another soul I am letting him go. He needs to be free of me to make his choice.

I want to fight for him but I can't fight a force that I can't contend with. I am dying with each passing moment. I will not take the chicken way out and send a text or email. I will talk to him in person no matter how much I cry.

I should probably quit drinking but I can't handle being sober right now. I want nothing more then to bury my head under the covers and stay there. But I will drink and sleep and live in my depression. I will know something by the end of the week.