Th e Worst Pain I Have Ever Felt

Today I shattered again. Not fully mind you because I haven't finished this out yet. Once that is done I will be a shell once again.

I knew better than to open myself up to anyone. I did and now I am paying that price. I hurt more then I have ever hurt in my entire existence. Part of my soul has died and I will never be able to rebuild it.

The love of my life, Daniel, a man who has given me more in a month then any other person I have ever come in contact with. He healed me. He made me safe. He made me believe in myself again. Today he was offered a fantastic job 2500 miles away from me. He hasn't made a decision yet but it is an incredible opportunity.

He sees us staying together long distance. I have done the long distance thing before and it never works. It gets harder and harder. He would never ask me to come with him because he will refuse to let me uproot LeiLei. Which in the long run is a good thing.

I just can't breathe without him. I have never depended on a soul in my life and I don't know how to live without him now.

I did some thinking on my drive home and came to the conclusion that I have to let him go. I am a creature of faith. If he stays here then we can be together but I can't do long distance. My faith is not strong enough to believe it will work out in the end and we will ned up happily ever after. Real life doesn't work that way.

So now I am waiting until he calls me tonight to explain to him that even though I love him more than I have ever loved another soul I am letting him go. He needs to be free of me to make his choice.

I want to fight for him but I can't fight a force that I can't contend with. I am dying with each passing moment. I will not take the chicken way out and send a text or email. I will talk to him in person no matter how much I cry.

I should probably quit drinking but I can't handle being sober right now. I want nothing more then to bury my head under the covers and stay there. But I will drink and sleep and live in my depression. I will know something by the end of the week.