Reflections

It's approximately 7 am on a Saturday morning. I have been awake for 2 hours now laying in bed in the dark contemplating several things.

The first and I suppose reason behind everything is that I have just one measly week before I turn 32. Now don't get me wrong. I love birthdays. I really don't mind getting older. What I do mind, however, is that I feel stuck. I feel like its time for some major changes.

Now as far as these changes go I have a lot of work to do and I just plain don't know where to start. And I am scared because I know these changes I want to make are going to well....change my life and that is a scary prospect. I am comfortable but not happy.

So I guess the first step is to figure out if I really am ready to make these changes. Am I ready to let go of some baggage? Am I ready to look different? Am I ready to accept new people into my life?

I am terrified but yes I am ready. It's far time to shake things up and find my happiness.

My first goal is to lose weight and get into better shape. I bought a membership to the gym and have yet to use it. I am using my daughter as an excuse. She should be the reason I am running to the gym and a life. I need to take care of myself so I can be here for her. All of this excess weight was put on during the time in my life when I was with a very abusive man. All it is is a reminder that I put the weight on to protect myself.

I have worked hard in the last few years to get myself back into a good place. My confidence is rising. I know what a truly awesome person I am. I am a fabulous mother. I bust my butt all day everyday at work and no one can find fault in the quality of work I do. I am happy in almost all areas of my life except for just a few.

After I work on the weight problem I fully intend to start putting myself out there. I have healed from the past relationships and I am ready to find someone to spend some time with. I don't necessarily want to settle down just yet but a nice slow easy relationship with no pressure would be really nice about now.

Last night I was sitting outside enjoying the quiet nighttime and then it hit me. I am lonely. Yes I have dozens of men I fill some of my time with. And the reason for that is because I am lonely. I miss Daniel. I am still undeniably very much in love with Daniel and so I date and flirt and mess around with lots of men trying to mask the pain I feel from losing Daniel.

So the root of the problem is that I am unhappy with myself. I figure if I change my weight, I change my romantic life, and I change anything else about me it will make me happier. I am sure in some ways it will. But the true root of it is that I am broken. The events in my life have finally taken a toll on me and there is not enough glue in the world to put me back together again. I want to fix myself I just don't know why I can't or how to start.