As I sit here wondering where in the world I am going to get the money to buy my own child even a single Christmas gift this year I am organizing a group of DFW kinky folk on a drive to get presents and clothes for a battered women's shelter. I truly believe that no matter how bad off I feel like the girl and I are right now we have so much more to give. And knowing my girl I know that helping me do this will swell her heart even more then waking up Christmas morning to a roomful of presents. I will manage something. I always do. I am fine to go without eating lunch for a couple of weeks to have the money to get at least one thing she is asking for. But she is so wonderful and she knows we don't have extra money so her Christmas list consists of 2 things this year. Which is another reason I want her to be involved with this. She is such a compassionate little creature. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was blessed with such an amazing child. Last night my roommate's granddaughter was at our house. She is potty training right now and my girl went in the bathroom with her and cheered her on while she went potty. And then the little girl pulled her own pants up and flushed the potty all by herself. My girl was there shouting encouragement the entire time. She blows my mind. I wish I had the money to give her everything she wants. But she NEVER asks for anything. She is grateful when I get her a pack of gum.
Anyway, I am getting all teary eyed. It has been a day today for sure. I think my emotions are on edge. I have had some wonderful conversation today with James. I like him and happen to respect him a great deal. I honestly think he needs to teach guys how to be men and how to treat women. And well thats a shameless plug for his goodness because he is becoming my friend. Today I miss my daddy too. I didn't have many Christmases with him. But I remember one in particular. We went out and bought a huge live tree and lit it up like crazy with this huge blanket of white lights. We didn't have any ornaments so I tied big red velvet bows on the tree. It was my favorite tree I ever had. My daddy went out and bought a dozen strings of bubble lights just because I had seen them once and loved them. I had pine garland hanging all over the mantel and his cherry entertainment center. I miss him so much on a daily basis but it seems particularly hard this year for some reason. I think it has to do with the fact that I really just need to crawl into someone's arms. I need desperately to be held right now. I need that healing touch badly. *sighs deeply and moves on*
I have had several people ask me to blog about cuckolding from my perspective. I have decided I will. Not in this post mind you but in future posts. I have some things tickling my brain that I want to get out first. But look for things to come.
12.09.2010
12.06.2010
My Journey to Power...posted on Fetlife first
I was saving this thought process for my blog but thanks to SklavinCuck pointing me to this group I will post here and then probably again in my blog if it turns out ok here.
I was always the girl who wasn't necessarily a tomboy but I naturally gravitated towards the boys. I didn't run screaming from the bug in the locker room. I calmly walked in and removed said bug from the premises so the other girls could resume being "normal" and to get them to shut the hell up from screeching like harpys.
As I grew older I realized I was the one chasing the boys I liked. I always got them but I often wondered what was wrong with me that the boys didn't want to chase me. I was never one of the girls to sit back and wait for what I wanted. Goddess knows my mother tried to instill that in me but it never took. I never did understand the idea of not calling a boy.
When I was just under the legal age a man I had been dating held me captive and raped me multiple times daily for nearly 5 months. When I was able to finally escape I spent 3 days in the woods searching for help. Only to come out and find myself pregnant. He found me and beat me nearly to death and managed to kill the baby as well. I recovered but I swore no man would ever have that kind of control over me again.
(Side note: No pity please. I mention it because it had a profound effect on how I am today and for the rest of my life.)
After the demise of my first marriage I met a man named Alan. He is a Dom through and through. I was a cocky, downright arrogant bitch with a sweet streak a mile wide in me. *laughs* I often refer to myself as my very own oxymoron. So I identify with CuckDom's thread about Discovery. (Very accurate btw and lovely to read)
So even after having another Dom friend who spent years trying to gain my submission and me just laughing to his face to tell him "good luck with that." I met Alan at a party. He stood on the outskirts watching me all night. Towards the wee hours of the morning I found myself face to face with him in a challenge stance. Nose to nose in the kitchen with me standing naked wrapped in a towel from being in the pool. In literally the blink of an eye he had me handcuffed and kneeling on the floor with my towel 5 feet away. To say I was flabbergasted would be denying the true essence of my emotional shock coursing through me.
I went home with him and we sat and talked for 2 days stopping only to eat and make love. I belonged to him in a way that has NEVER and probably will never be duplicated. Once our relationship ran its course due to my own insecurities and immature age at the time I looked and looked within myself.
I was back to being the aggressor. I love the hunt. I love the pursuit. But (identifying with another post here) I grew tired of always being the strong one. I have run through so many men in my short lifetime that I have at times fallen prey to not being myself. I have played the damsel in distress in order to find some happiness for a short period of time. And once it was over I felt a self-loathing for doing what I abhorred in other needy women.
Over time and through many other experiences I have regained my sense of strength. I have also found that it takes a man just as strong as I am to really appreciate it. Much to many men chagrin I refuse to bow down and take his stupidity. I know what I want and I know how to achieve it or to sit back and wait for it to happen.
I have also found that in my strength there is a certain release a true Man can feel. The same holds true in being a powerful woman and finding a man who can sustain her strength in order for her to regenerate as it were.
My problem is that there are so few men who can truly handle being with a strong woman. They like to think they can and they are drawn to your strength like a moth to the flame. However once they have you they realize the strength it takes on their part to deal daily with the intensity of a true Goddess. Once I have one of these men with inner weakness I lose all respect for him the second he allows me to walk all over him.
So my journey takes me in many odd directions. And sometimes CuckDom....it is a discovery to the woman herself as a constantly evolving work of art that will never be finished. For myself, I know what I want. I just don't believe it exists.
I was always the girl who wasn't necessarily a tomboy but I naturally gravitated towards the boys. I didn't run screaming from the bug in the locker room. I calmly walked in and removed said bug from the premises so the other girls could resume being "normal" and to get them to shut the hell up from screeching like harpys.
As I grew older I realized I was the one chasing the boys I liked. I always got them but I often wondered what was wrong with me that the boys didn't want to chase me. I was never one of the girls to sit back and wait for what I wanted. Goddess knows my mother tried to instill that in me but it never took. I never did understand the idea of not calling a boy.
When I was just under the legal age a man I had been dating held me captive and raped me multiple times daily for nearly 5 months. When I was able to finally escape I spent 3 days in the woods searching for help. Only to come out and find myself pregnant. He found me and beat me nearly to death and managed to kill the baby as well. I recovered but I swore no man would ever have that kind of control over me again.
(Side note: No pity please. I mention it because it had a profound effect on how I am today and for the rest of my life.)
After the demise of my first marriage I met a man named Alan. He is a Dom through and through. I was a cocky, downright arrogant bitch with a sweet streak a mile wide in me. *laughs* I often refer to myself as my very own oxymoron. So I identify with CuckDom's thread about Discovery. (Very accurate btw and lovely to read)
So even after having another Dom friend who spent years trying to gain my submission and me just laughing to his face to tell him "good luck with that." I met Alan at a party. He stood on the outskirts watching me all night. Towards the wee hours of the morning I found myself face to face with him in a challenge stance. Nose to nose in the kitchen with me standing naked wrapped in a towel from being in the pool. In literally the blink of an eye he had me handcuffed and kneeling on the floor with my towel 5 feet away. To say I was flabbergasted would be denying the true essence of my emotional shock coursing through me.
I went home with him and we sat and talked for 2 days stopping only to eat and make love. I belonged to him in a way that has NEVER and probably will never be duplicated. Once our relationship ran its course due to my own insecurities and immature age at the time I looked and looked within myself.
I was back to being the aggressor. I love the hunt. I love the pursuit. But (identifying with another post here) I grew tired of always being the strong one. I have run through so many men in my short lifetime that I have at times fallen prey to not being myself. I have played the damsel in distress in order to find some happiness for a short period of time. And once it was over I felt a self-loathing for doing what I abhorred in other needy women.
Over time and through many other experiences I have regained my sense of strength. I have also found that it takes a man just as strong as I am to really appreciate it. Much to many men chagrin I refuse to bow down and take his stupidity. I know what I want and I know how to achieve it or to sit back and wait for it to happen.
I have also found that in my strength there is a certain release a true Man can feel. The same holds true in being a powerful woman and finding a man who can sustain her strength in order for her to regenerate as it were.
My problem is that there are so few men who can truly handle being with a strong woman. They like to think they can and they are drawn to your strength like a moth to the flame. However once they have you they realize the strength it takes on their part to deal daily with the intensity of a true Goddess. Once I have one of these men with inner weakness I lose all respect for him the second he allows me to walk all over him.
So my journey takes me in many odd directions. And sometimes CuckDom....it is a discovery to the woman herself as a constantly evolving work of art that will never be finished. For myself, I know what I want. I just don't believe it exists.
12.05.2010
Sunday Morning Reflections
So I woke up this morning in a fairly decent mood. I still am for the most part. But a touch of sadness has come over me.
Last night my child was on stage at the biggest city event singing her little heart out to a crowd of over 40,000 people. Without a drop of stage fright in her. She is getting to be so grown up and such a wonderful little lady. I am astounded by her on a daily basis. I'm glad that with the stress and being always in the moment by being a single mother I am still able to step back and admire the incredible person she is becoming. It is truly one of life's miracles. To give birth to this tiny helpless creature and be the nurturer and the teacher and then send them out into the world. A lot of parents have it wrong. They think that you need to hold on as tight as possible to your kids and that they belong to them. Nothing could be further from the truth. We do not own our children. We are blessed to be part of their lives and help guide them and train them to become good people so that they may grow up and produce their own good people one day. Goodness and loving and support perpetuate the same. More people should try it.
This morning I got an email from my aunt and uncle who I no longer speak to for various reasons. They took the poinsettias out to the cemetery for the graves. Seeing the beautiful headstone just reminded me of how very much I miss my daddy. Most days I can keep my mind on other things enough to not be saddened by his absence but this morning the pain is fairly acute. Then I realized why. His mother died five years ago today. Ruby was everything I aspire to be. She was fun and gentle and loving and very innocent and childlike. She raised me for about a quarter of the year every year. I miss her very much too. Her death was easier to accept because she was 93 when she died. Daddy on the other hand was only 61 and should still be here. He should be here to walk me down the aisle when I get married again.
Which brings me to thinking about Joe. I haven't talked to him in days and I am missing him a lot. There are things I am ready to talk to him about. And sweet little Chris. How can I not like Chris? He is so young and so cute and so sweet. But honestly, Joe is my heart. He is the one I have been waiting so long for. There is absolutely no comparison with anyone else. Joe is my one and everyone else is just icing. Ok I am starting to get sappy.
Well now that I have wasted a good hour (almost) I should eat some breakfast and get dressed so I can go spend the day down at the aquarium with my girl. We are very excited about going. It is brand new grand opening this weekend. It should be tons of fun. I am most excited about the stingrays. I love stingrays and they seem to like me a lot as well.
Ok well now I know its time to stop writing as my brain just went blank and I found myself staring a a sun spot on the wall for 5 minutes. Sheesh!
Last night my child was on stage at the biggest city event singing her little heart out to a crowd of over 40,000 people. Without a drop of stage fright in her. She is getting to be so grown up and such a wonderful little lady. I am astounded by her on a daily basis. I'm glad that with the stress and being always in the moment by being a single mother I am still able to step back and admire the incredible person she is becoming. It is truly one of life's miracles. To give birth to this tiny helpless creature and be the nurturer and the teacher and then send them out into the world. A lot of parents have it wrong. They think that you need to hold on as tight as possible to your kids and that they belong to them. Nothing could be further from the truth. We do not own our children. We are blessed to be part of their lives and help guide them and train them to become good people so that they may grow up and produce their own good people one day. Goodness and loving and support perpetuate the same. More people should try it.
This morning I got an email from my aunt and uncle who I no longer speak to for various reasons. They took the poinsettias out to the cemetery for the graves. Seeing the beautiful headstone just reminded me of how very much I miss my daddy. Most days I can keep my mind on other things enough to not be saddened by his absence but this morning the pain is fairly acute. Then I realized why. His mother died five years ago today. Ruby was everything I aspire to be. She was fun and gentle and loving and very innocent and childlike. She raised me for about a quarter of the year every year. I miss her very much too. Her death was easier to accept because she was 93 when she died. Daddy on the other hand was only 61 and should still be here. He should be here to walk me down the aisle when I get married again.
Which brings me to thinking about Joe. I haven't talked to him in days and I am missing him a lot. There are things I am ready to talk to him about. And sweet little Chris. How can I not like Chris? He is so young and so cute and so sweet. But honestly, Joe is my heart. He is the one I have been waiting so long for. There is absolutely no comparison with anyone else. Joe is my one and everyone else is just icing. Ok I am starting to get sappy.
Well now that I have wasted a good hour (almost) I should eat some breakfast and get dressed so I can go spend the day down at the aquarium with my girl. We are very excited about going. It is brand new grand opening this weekend. It should be tons of fun. I am most excited about the stingrays. I love stingrays and they seem to like me a lot as well.
Ok well now I know its time to stop writing as my brain just went blank and I found myself staring a a sun spot on the wall for 5 minutes. Sheesh!
12.04.2010
New adventures for the Phoenix
Well the last post back in September has stayed with me. Dennis is long gone because after spending time with him I realized he was just a poser. I am however still close to Brian. I talk to him nearly every day.
So now I have Joe. I am completely smitten with Joe. What can I say about Joe? He is my angel. I realized yesterday that I have lived in the seven circles of hell for a reason. I would never have appreciated my angel if I hadn't lived through what I have.
So I spent the day talking to Joe's friend Steve. In speaking with him I realized some things about myself. I love lightbulb moments! I discovered that the reason I have had problems in relationships with dominant men is because I have no respect for them once they fuck me. All I see is the rutting animal after that. Now as much as I love and need rough hardcore fucking I can't love a man who can do that. I guess in my mind I can't reconcile a man who can fuck me mindless like a dirty whore could possibly be capable of givng me the emotional love and support and worship I know I need.
So enters Joe. He will love me and take care of me and treat me like a Goddess while I am free to get the physical satisfaction I need from an outside source to our relationship. This will only bring me closer to him. Once a bull has finished with his part and I send him away then Joe is the one who comes in and cleans me up and soothes me and holds me so I can sleep peacefully.
As commitment phobic as I am I am not with Joe. I just can't wait to start our life together. I am truly the luckiest woman alive. I want the world to know how precious he is to me and how much I need him.
Is it odd for a dominant strong woman to need her submissive as much as he needs her? I guess not as there would be no domination without someone submitting to it. I mean really where is the fun and fulfillment in ordering around a stuffed animal? And on the other hand one can't submit to something unless there is someone who is ready and able to take control.
I do believe I am going to start documenting my journey into the whole cuckolding BDSM world. But I believe that should in a new blog. The idea is dancing juicily through my mind tantalizing me ever so slightly. The delicious thoughts of chronicling this part of my life thrills me almost as much as living it does. I will come back to this post and put up the link to my new blog when I get the time to start it. Today is a busy day for me however. And I need to get rolling out of bed, take a shower and put some clothes on.
So now I have Joe. I am completely smitten with Joe. What can I say about Joe? He is my angel. I realized yesterday that I have lived in the seven circles of hell for a reason. I would never have appreciated my angel if I hadn't lived through what I have.
So I spent the day talking to Joe's friend Steve. In speaking with him I realized some things about myself. I love lightbulb moments! I discovered that the reason I have had problems in relationships with dominant men is because I have no respect for them once they fuck me. All I see is the rutting animal after that. Now as much as I love and need rough hardcore fucking I can't love a man who can do that. I guess in my mind I can't reconcile a man who can fuck me mindless like a dirty whore could possibly be capable of givng me the emotional love and support and worship I know I need.
So enters Joe. He will love me and take care of me and treat me like a Goddess while I am free to get the physical satisfaction I need from an outside source to our relationship. This will only bring me closer to him. Once a bull has finished with his part and I send him away then Joe is the one who comes in and cleans me up and soothes me and holds me so I can sleep peacefully.
As commitment phobic as I am I am not with Joe. I just can't wait to start our life together. I am truly the luckiest woman alive. I want the world to know how precious he is to me and how much I need him.
Is it odd for a dominant strong woman to need her submissive as much as he needs her? I guess not as there would be no domination without someone submitting to it. I mean really where is the fun and fulfillment in ordering around a stuffed animal? And on the other hand one can't submit to something unless there is someone who is ready and able to take control.
I do believe I am going to start documenting my journey into the whole cuckolding BDSM world. But I believe that should in a new blog. The idea is dancing juicily through my mind tantalizing me ever so slightly. The delicious thoughts of chronicling this part of my life thrills me almost as much as living it does. I will come back to this post and put up the link to my new blog when I get the time to start it. Today is a busy day for me however. And I need to get rolling out of bed, take a shower and put some clothes on.
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