Confliction and It's Outcome

Have you ever known exactly what you want and you find it or close to what you think you might want only to be shown another option? Maybe I am just the most fickle person on Earth but I used to go through this constantly. I guess I am still trying to figure out what it is that I want.

It strikes me as odd that I told J before he left that I wasn't going to go out and find someone else while he was gone. Now here is S. S is incredible. He is well educated. His intelligence surpasses my own and I seriously don't say that easily. He is offering something I am comfortable with. Something from my past that is ingrained in me. But I don't think I want that anymore. No, actually I know I don't want that anymore. If I did I would have gone back to Paul when he came back into my life. I stood firm. I won't be in that position again.

I started this blog last night because I was conflicted. I am not committed to anyone and I never started this whole thing to become committed to anyone. However I somehow have been presented with two options. I woke up this morning absolutely clear on which one to chose. So I sent an email to the one it needs to be ended with.

I know it's not the case but I feel like I was cheating on J. If he sees it that way too I will understand. I never did anything that can be construed as cheating. Just some conversation. I have been out of the "dating" world for so long that it was kind of exciting having another man persue me like that. I never would have done anything with anyone until I made a decision. Infidelity is just not part of my make-up. I know it's crazy to feel like this but I just want J to know that nothing happened and I'm sorry if he feels betrayed.

At the same time I am not in a relationship with anyone. And after everything in the past few years I feel I should be looking around at my options. Although what S is offering is not something that I really am after anymore. I have changed a lot since I was in that lifestyle. Yes there are some things that are still a part of me from then but I just can't give up control anymore.

J is supposed to get home today. I don't know if he will call or email today or if I am going to have to wait until tomorrow. I do miss him terribly. I know that is why I continued on with S because I miss J and our conversations. I wanted something to keep me entertained while J was gone.

So it boils down to this.... J I want you and I missed you and I am so glad you are getting home today and I hope you call and I don't have to wait until tomorrow to hear from you.