Memorial Day

Today is the day on one side of my family that they load all the little children up and all the old people up and everyone heads out to the cemetary to put out new flowers and clean up the graves of the family who are no longer with us. Today is Decoration Day for us. Not to mention they all bring food to share in a potluck kinda of dinner AT THE FREAKING CEMETARY! WTF? I have pictures of cousins playing baseball at the cemetary while all the adults lounge around in beach chairs eating and talking.

Seriously, I know I am from the South and all but doesn't this tradition border on the fucking insane? I have no desire to ever go eat the the gravesites of those I love and miss. The cemetary is reserved for crying and reflecting and missing your loved ones. Or walking through and remembering or trying to figure out people's lives. Who did they love? How did they live their lives? Isn't it sad we live our entire lives trying to make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around us only to be stuck in a box underground when our bodies die with a big stone over our heads with our name and our start and end dates?

Somehow I find it all disheartening and it makes me want to change something. My biggest fear is being forgotten. But seeing as how not a single friend actually remembered my birthday this year I guess my biggest fear was realized. Now I have nowhere to go with fear. There really is nothing I fear anymore. Being forgotten on my birthday didn't affect me like I thought it would. Yeah it was depressing as hell but I got over it. Of course I am still going to give M hell for calling me and not remembering. It hurt....a lot more than I would ever actually let on. I don't want lots of gifts. I just want a call or an email or something. Take me out and buy me a drink.

So today I have planned to meet this man up at the Sonic to sell him all of Dad's software. I am getting to the point where I can let go of some stuff. There is no need to keep all of Dad's stuff I have. I took out what I wanted and packed the rest in a box and am now selling several thousands of dollars worth of computer software for $20. Why? Because I want it gone. I don't want to look at it anymore. It is not conducive to healing. I have other more important things that remind me of Daddy.

You know sometimes I think I am getting better and then WHAM I am slammed upside the heart with actual physical pain from missing him so much. And then I realize I will never be the same again. Nothing will ever heal me from his murder. I can't reconcile with anything. It wasn't his time to go. He wasn't old or in bad health. He was killed by that horrid devil woman he was going to divorce. He had the divorce papers in his briefcase in his truck to take them to the lawyer the day she killed him. I can't wait to watch Karma dance all over her slutty evil face.

Yes I am angry. Some days I go through all of the stages of grief again and again. There will never be answers. My heart won't have peace again. THIS is why I don't want to be involved with anyone. No one needs to be around me when I am raging like this. I would never ask anyone to deal with it. Grief is such a nasty emotion. It is probably best I go back to being closed off. It's easier. Lonely but easier.

Anyway, enough of that. Today I am going to take LeiLei to see Night at the Museum 2. She doesn't know yet. I posted an ad on CL to see if I could find another single parent who had a daughter LeiLei's age or close to it. Just friends and maybe the girls would get to be friends too. Who knows. My luck is I keep running into horny people. Why is there not another person around who wants to be just friends. Does everyone have to fuck someone all the time? I honestly get horny but right now I am perfectly content not to be screwing anyone. Call me crazy but I grew up and stopped fucking just for the fun of it. I just want there to be some meaning behind it now. If I start sleeping with someone I want it to be the last person I have sex with.

Still not going to get married again but I do want the committment and the partner without the slip of paper. That one little piece of paper causes more problems. And it sure as hell isn't like super paper and going to stop a speeding penis from leaping into random vaginas unless the man it is attached to is actually in control of his penis and not the other way around. How's that for an idea of an adult cartoon? A bunch of penises leading men around on little leashes. I guess that would fall under a fetish film.

Ok really I am this warped. Are you really sure you think it's a good idea to get involved with me J? Seriously? But then again you are still playing at the beach and enjoying your vacation. I am just about willing to bet I get a call Wednesday when you get home or then again maybe not. You probably found a cute lil mermaid to tickle your fancy and are now going to go play Tom Hanks and live underwater with her. But that's ok...my dark and twisty side expects this. I expect and am in fact waiting to not hear from you. You might surprise me yet though. There is something different about you. And you do seem genuinely interested in me and my warped little screwed up world.

So the question is....Why? Are you that intrigued by my psychosis that you want to study me like some animal in my natural habitat? Or do I actually touch part of you (not that part ya perv!) and you want to figure out why? Do you have a knight in shining armour complex and you need a damsel in distress to complete the look? I don't get it. But then again maybe I should stop trying and just take things at face value. Doubtful that will happen but....hope springs eternal now doesn't it?

Ok ending for this morning. I have now been typing for about 2 hours and I am tired and my brain hurts from crying. Too deep for this early in the morning. So now I am going to go see if I can find this statue I want to buy and keep my fingers crossed that the woman comes through with buying the purse. OOOOH crap I almost forgot software guy at 9. I am naked and it's a quarter til 9 now! Crap!