Of the rest of my life. Who knows how long that will be but with any hope and luck it will be a good long while.
Things are finally looking up after the hell I have been in for the last year. I am starting to enter the ending stages of grief, and I can't wait for the next part of my life to happen. I feel energized and excited again for the first time in a very long time.
The energy coursing through me is insane. I have just absolutely let go of so much emotional baggage. I have tried my entire life to just let go and feel free but I have never been able to.
Why the hell was I holding to such crap? The negativity was eating me alive! Now I feel enlightened and carefree. I know I can do anything. I am not depressed or anxious anymore. Because for the first time I really truly believe that no matter what happens everything will be ok. There is absolutely nothing that can happen that can't be recovered from.
I never believed in that when a door slams in your face opportunity is the wind that opens another. And that other thing opening might not even be a door but you have to take it or you are forever trapped in a box. And hell, one day that box might fill up and become an aquarium.
Ok ok! I know I am getting a little existential over here. But I am an existentialist at heart. Life has no meaning until you give it meaning.
Anyway, I am looking forward to the next step in my life. I have some new friends and a new crush. I also have old friends who I need to work on weeding out the ones who have moved on and changed and don't fit with my life anymore. I love them all but yes....even friends need some spring cleaning now and again. If they are offended then just ask them why haven't they bothered to call or write in months or years. Sorry that is now downgraded to aquaintance again.
I have anonymous penpals that are more interested in my life than some of my "friends." How ridiculous is that?
Oh and J! My lovely darling J. I miss him terribly and he has only been gone for just under 16 hours. He won't be home until Thursday! I have decided to throw myself into busy work until he gets home. No telling how much I will get accomplished.
J is wonderful. He is intelligent and kind. He is a true gentleman. He respects people and gives 'em hell if they are idiots. He is funny and sweet. He is incredibly sexy. I can't wait for him to get home. He is the first person I have ever met that just lights up my life. Everything seems kind of dingy and gray with him gone. Things are better and brighter with J around. Even though I really don't want a relationship I can see how one could develop between us. He is as fascinated with me as I am with him. There is just something there that meshes and clicks between us.
Anyway, instead of rambling on and on for hours/pages I am going to go. Today's project is the garage. It is time to orgnaize and pitch things that ar eno longer useful. My mother is such a packrat. I keep sentimental things too but I am also a firm believer that if I haven't used it for 6 months it needs to go. I guess because we have 4 people living in a 2000sq ft house with no room! For fuck's sake I live in the same room as my 7 yr old daughter. Which honestly I have no problem with because she is rarely in here except to sleep. But I have no real privacy. I think I will go ahead and move my bed into the office. We just need some curtains over the glass doors. It was supposed to be a 4th bedroom anyway but my parents converted it to an office. I just need to figure out how to convince the parents that the computer needs to come out of there! I know the modem and stuff is in here but I can make their computer wireless and then we can put it anywhere. I was thinking of moving it to the kitchen so anyone can use it at anytime. But I don't know if they would go for that.
Anyway, I know I know! I said I was leaving and now I am for real.....
Blessed Be!
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