Ok, here we are again. It's been awhile since I have last blogged. I went back and recently read 110 of my past blogs and couldn't believe some of the things in them.
Which I suppose brings us to this one. Have you ever taken the opportunity to look back on your life and wonder how you ended up where you are?
I try really hard not to look back. What will you gain from looking backwards other than road rash when you trip and fall on your ass?
The answer is absolutely nothing. Nothing can be won or achieved from wondering what in the hell made you say this or that.
Honestly, I can't believe what I said and all in all it made me worse for wear to go through all that stuff. I blog for a reason. I blog to purge the crap that floats in my head. I blog to help others. I blog to entertain others. Mostly I just forget what I've written when I am done.
I don't want the past. I don't want the things from the past. And Goddess knows I sure as hell don't want to be the me that is from the past. I love who I am now. I am happy and contented and looking forward to the future. I can't wait to see what I will do and who I will meet.
Now admittedly, there are parts of my past that I feel like people should know about me. I talk about them still because they made me who I am. This brings me to the reason for this entry. Today is the Witches New Year and I wish to fully leave behind the past and live only in the future. I am writing this as a series of events in my life that made huge impacts and forever changed me for better or for worse. These events made me who I am. I would NEVER want to change them but I sure as hell hope never to have to live through them again! Enjoy reading or stop now as this will be long and involved and hard to finish.
Event 1:
My parents divorce forever changed me. It wreaked my little world and caused me to hurt my parents and push at them to prove that they wouldn't leave me too when things got rough. I finally got over the divorce at age 23 when a very dear friend of mine looked at me and said, "It's none of your business. That was their relationship and not yours." (Thanks Shay...I love you)
Event 2:
Moving in with my dad. Up until this point I had lived with my mother so this was very different for me. My dad also used to whip me with a belt and try to "break my spirit" when he wasn't ignoring me. When I was 18 my dad beat me so badly I couldn't speak for almost a week. It took me bringing the cops to his house so that I could get my stuff out.
Event 3:
Leaving the night my father beat me for the last time. I ended up with no place to go so the guy I was sort of dating told me he'd take care of me and we could go to his house in Mississippi. Being scared and alone I went. Only I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I was held captive in backwoods Mississppi for 4 months and raped nearly 400 times. I escaped and hid for several months.
Event 4:
First pregnancy. The rapes surprisingly enough resulted in a pregnancy. I was going to give the baby up for adoption but I couldn't because the agency forces you to tell the father and have his consent as well. When they notified him he came after me and beat me. He was going to force me back to MS until I gave birth so he could have the baby. Fortunately or unfortunately (however you choose to look at it) the baby was killed when he beat me up. So I basically had a late term abortion. Took 2 days to remove the fetus. It was a boy. I would have a 12 year old son now if only.....
Event 5:
Suicide. Not mine but that of a man I loved. Jonathan. He was kind and gentle and loving and a wonderful father. I lived with him in North Carolina. One day I came home and watched him put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger while I was holding his 2 yr old daughter. I couldn't stop him. I was wracked with guilt for years until I realized that his life was his and I have no control over anyone but myself.
Event 6:
Marriage. This would be my first one and I figured my last one. A month after the secret wedding he decides to fess up and tell me he is a crossdresser. Go me! I am married to an Army soldier who likes wearing stillettos and dresses so he can be pretty.
Event 7:
The birth of my daughter. She has kept me alive and going. I would more than likley be dead without her. She was a surprise after the damage from the first pregnancy. I love her more everyday.
Event 8:
Ruby's death. She was a second mother to me who raised me for half the year just about my entire life. She was my father's mother and the kindest gentlest soul ever placed on this earth and I miss her every single day.
Event 9:
Donnie. His mental abuse hurt me so much so that I couldn't leave me own house out of fear for a long time. He can't hurt me anymore though. He tried by lying to the cops and saying I stole his gun.
Event 10:
Second marriage. Not many people know this part of my life. I loved him dearly and he was a good man. My family accepted him no questions asked. Then things went downhill. 12 years ago he was convicted as a sex offender. This brought a whole new aspect into my life. I could have handled it but I wasn't going to put Soleil through it anymore. The cops were always around. CPS tried to investigate us more than once and I called it quits after the second CPS visit. Not for fear that he had done anything to my daughter but out of fear that people can't mind their own business and I could potentially get my daughter taken from me.
Event 11:
My father's death. His wife is responsible for his death no matter what anyone tries to say. If she had stayed away instead of coming back to try to get an imagined $30,000 then my Daddy would still be alive. She is evil and she will face justice someday.
Event 12:
My Saturn Returns. I turned 30 this year and though I know I am nowhere finished growing as a person I feel different. A friend of mine (dear wonderful Shay, who seems to be meant as my teacher in life) told me about something in astrology called Saturn Returns. This is when Saturn comes back around to the point it was at your birth. It happens every 30 years give or take as Saturn takes 29.5 years to orbit the sun. This is when things happen and life changes for you. I now fully believe that these things happen to make you into a stronger person for the next section of your life.
Going to jail over Donnie's vindicitve ass. He got his ego hurt because I refused to marry him and when I left and ended up marrying another man he got mad and tried everything he could to threaten me and hurt me. The gun thing landed me in jail for 3 days. It seems like such an insignificant amount of time but it forever changed me and how I look at the world. Things are not so black and white anymore. I wish I could go back and undo this one but then again I can of like life without the "nothing this bad could ever really happen to me" blinders on. It's interesting that's for sure.
Ok, well that sums up my life in 13 short events. Doesn't seem like much but these are the major changes in my short 30 years. These are what somedays make me feel much older than I am. Like I said I would never change them but I do wish everyone has some events that shape who they are.
Question your life and wonder sometimes if only you had mad a slightly different decision where would you be today. But always enjoy where you are in the present and if you don't like something about your life for God's sake make a choice and go in a different direction. You may not control where you end up but by God you DO control which roads you take to get there!
No comments:
Post a Comment