No morning blog today because I got out everything I needed to say privately to J in an email to him. I miss him but I am also scared of him. He has me thinking in terms I know I am not ready to think in yet. He is a good guy but the fear and mistrust is an ever present entity for me.
I had every intention of posting a blog this morning. Well it was a blog that I had written previously in a different place but I wanted to put it in so that anyone reading this could sort of understand a little more about me. And for J because he needs to know what he is getting into. And I totally don't blame him if he takes a walk. I am used to it and fine with it. Not to mention I would be better off if he did now rather than wait until I am head over heels in love with him.
This morning, however, featured a different path. The family was going to go out and send some time together. We found a farm over in Richardson that was listed in a book we have as being free. We got over there and there was no one there. They had a few miniature donkeys, miniature horses, and what looked seriously like some miniature Brahma bulls. It was a sad little place that wanted $5 a person now. Well, anyway, Mom decided she wasn't up to going so she stayed home. We got to the farm and took a pass on it because it wasn't worth it. So we went down to Fair Park and tried for the Hall of State, but it was closed for construction. Then we decided to take LeiLei to the really cool McDonald's in Dallas. It looks like a happy meal. She got to play and then eat and then play some more. Then we went to the aquarium store to see if they had any tanks for sale. They had one but it turned out to be plastic so we didn't buy it.
Ok so at this point I guess I see where LeiLei is upset. We came home because Dad2 was tired. I got the info for the horse park and told LeiLei to put on some jeans because I was going to surprise her with a pony ride. She threw an everloving, evil, snot-nosed, wanna-whomp'em-upside-the-head fits. Why you ask? Because she had already put shorts on that morning and didn't feel like changing her pants. She goes crying and yelling out of the room. Spent the next half an hour trying to tell her it was for a surprise but she got the craw up her butt that her little stubborn ass wasn't budging. But once she found out what I was trying to do for her (Thanks Mom...make sure I repay you on that one!); she got her jeans on. Usually (and yes I know not the right thing....you parent your kids and I will parents mine...thanks) I would give in but today I just flat out decided that she wasn't going to get her little fucking way because she threw a fit. It is high time she learned a lesson in niceity. So I explained to her in a very calm voice that I am sorry but I wasn't trying to be mean but a big part of me just couldn't continue to let her get her way after a fit. She is damn near 8 years old and acts like a goddamn 4 yr old. Part of it is my fault because I am a softie and the biggest part of it is Mom's fault because she thinks LeiLei is still 2 and can't help herself. That is a grandparent for you though.
So LeiLei and I went over to pick up some stuff for my grandmother who broke her kneecap a few days ago. LeiLei and I had fun in the stores and on the way back I asked her if she had had fun today because I sure did. She pouted at me (after also getting to pick out a lipgloss in Walmart too!) and said no she didn't and neither did I because she hadn't had fun.
Boy did that one piss me off! I blew up. I am sick as shit of doing all kinds fo wonderful and sweet and surprising things for her only to be treated no better than a stray fucking dog. I stopped talking to her at that point. I had promised to take her to the horse park so I did but I didn't speak one word to her while we were there. It might be childish but she apparently doesn't respond to and civil requests. I am not going to give in to a single fit from here on out. She wants to be ungrateful for things that she has and gets to do. Well then she just misses out too.
She apologized to me and I told her thank you for the apology because it was the right thing to do but it didn't change the fact that I was still angry with her. I told her the way to fix that would be to change her attitude and stop with her rotten behavior.
Goddess knows how much I love that lil shit but I don't like her very much right now. And yes I am venting in a rough manner because I am angry and I know if I deal with her right now I will only spank her. I try my hardest not to spank her unless she just has her head up her butt and refuses to take it out.
I am busting my butt trying to work my schedule around so that she can go to VBS and swim lessons and drama lessons and possible a sculpting class and maybe even a tae kwon do class this summer but she is mad because she can't take the $300 for 5 days horse lessons.
I would never say this outloud to anyone but sometimes I wonder what things would be like without her. I have raised her alone since birth and it has been a hard road.
Ok I am done bitching about being a mom for now. Don't get me wrong I love this kid like nothing else in the world and I would lay down my life to keep her safe. I would do anything I had to do to make sure she was cared for properly. But like any child...she drives you bat shit crazy from time to time. I know most of this rebellion is because she is in the beginning stages of puberty and is trying to exert her own little independance. I have always strived really hard to make her independant but now that she is there....I want my baby back! Irony is a cruel bedfellow....
So now I am sitting here relaxing with a sun burned face. My knees hurt from walkng about 10,000 miles today with having to drag the Evil Twin along. I am hungry and I want a very large drink. I have a bunch to do tomorrow too. I need to put together some shelves and then put my movies on them. I guess I need to go through them and get rid of some of them. I can't bear to part with them though because they only have sentimental value as having belonged to my dad and they have his handwriting on them. And honestly the task is daunting with over 1000 tapes and dvds. Not to mention right now because of my face sun burn I feel like crap.
At least today is Saturday and Harper's Island is on again tonight. Nothing like some murder and mayhem and evil mystery plots to brighten up one's day! I am just LiL Miss Sunshine today! Well at least this is closer to normal for me rather than Skippy Lou who smiles and is giddy and joyful like I have been for several days. I prefer myself dark and twisty and gloomy. I am not all cute puppies and rainbows and flowers. The giddy thing is kind of annoying but I know where it is coming from so I can dig on it.
I am ready for dinner and a soak and sleep. The kidlet got a full 12.5 hours of sleep last night! For the first time ever. She might have slept longer but I moved and she heard me. Dammit!
Anyway, I am off to copy and paste the other blog entry next. Enjoy and don't pity. It is what it is. And I am who I am....who is not Popeye!
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