The true Spirit

As I sit here wondering where in the world I am going to get the money to buy my own child even a single Christmas gift this year I am organizing a group of DFW kinky folk on a drive to get presents and clothes for a battered women's shelter. I truly believe that no matter how bad off I feel like the girl and I are right now we have so much more to give. And knowing my girl I know that helping me do this will swell her heart even more then waking up Christmas morning to a roomful of presents. I will manage something. I always do. I am fine to go without eating lunch for a couple of weeks to have the money to get at least one thing she is asking for. But she is so wonderful and she knows we don't have extra money so her Christmas list consists of 2 things this year. Which is another reason I want her to be involved with this. She is such a compassionate little creature. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was blessed with such an amazing child. Last night my roommate's granddaughter was at our house. She is potty training right now and my girl went in the bathroom with her and cheered her on while she went potty. And then the little girl pulled her own pants up and flushed the potty all by herself. My girl was there shouting encouragement the entire time. She blows my mind. I wish I had the money to give her everything she wants. But she NEVER asks for anything. She is grateful when I get her a pack of gum.

Anyway, I am getting all teary eyed. It has been a day today for sure. I think my emotions are on edge. I have had some wonderful conversation today with James. I like him and happen to respect him a great deal. I honestly think he needs to teach guys how to be men and how to treat women. And well thats a shameless plug for his goodness because he is becoming my friend. Today I miss my daddy too. I didn't have many Christmases with him. But I remember one in particular. We went out and bought a huge live tree and lit it up like crazy with this huge blanket of white lights. We didn't have any ornaments so I tied big red velvet bows on the tree. It was my favorite tree I ever had. My daddy went out and bought a dozen strings of bubble lights just because I had seen them once and loved them. I had pine garland hanging all over the mantel and his cherry entertainment center. I miss him so much on a daily basis but it seems particularly hard this year for some reason. I think it has to do with the fact that I really just need to crawl into someone's arms. I need desperately to be held right now. I need that healing touch badly. *sighs deeply and moves on*

I have had several people ask me to blog about cuckolding from my perspective. I have decided I will. Not in this post mind you but in future posts. I have some things tickling my brain that I want to get out first. But look for things to come.

My Journey to Power...posted on Fetlife first

I was saving this thought process for my blog but thanks to SklavinCuck pointing me to this group I will post here and then probably again in my blog if it turns out ok here.

I was always the girl who wasn't necessarily a tomboy but I naturally gravitated towards the boys. I didn't run screaming from the bug in the locker room. I calmly walked in and removed said bug from the premises so the other girls could resume being "normal" and to get them to shut the hell up from screeching like harpys.

As I grew older I realized I was the one chasing the boys I liked. I always got them but I often wondered what was wrong with me that the boys didn't want to chase me. I was never one of the girls to sit back and wait for what I wanted. Goddess knows my mother tried to instill that in me but it never took. I never did understand the idea of not calling a boy.

When I was just under the legal age a man I had been dating held me captive and raped me multiple times daily for nearly 5 months. When I was able to finally escape I spent 3 days in the woods searching for help. Only to come out and find myself pregnant. He found me and beat me nearly to death and managed to kill the baby as well. I recovered but I swore no man would ever have that kind of control over me again.

(Side note: No pity please. I mention it because it had a profound effect on how I am today and for the rest of my life.)

After the demise of my first marriage I met a man named Alan. He is a Dom through and through. I was a cocky, downright arrogant bitch with a sweet streak a mile wide in me. *laughs* I often refer to myself as my very own oxymoron. So I identify with CuckDom's thread about Discovery. (Very accurate btw and lovely to read)

So even after having another Dom friend who spent years trying to gain my submission and me just laughing to his face to tell him "good luck with that." I met Alan at a party. He stood on the outskirts watching me all night. Towards the wee hours of the morning I found myself face to face with him in a challenge stance. Nose to nose in the kitchen with me standing naked wrapped in a towel from being in the pool. In literally the blink of an eye he had me handcuffed and kneeling on the floor with my towel 5 feet away. To say I was flabbergasted would be denying the true essence of my emotional shock coursing through me.

I went home with him and we sat and talked for 2 days stopping only to eat and make love. I belonged to him in a way that has NEVER and probably will never be duplicated. Once our relationship ran its course due to my own insecurities and immature age at the time I looked and looked within myself.

I was back to being the aggressor. I love the hunt. I love the pursuit. But (identifying with another post here) I grew tired of always being the strong one. I have run through so many men in my short lifetime that I have at times fallen prey to not being myself. I have played the damsel in distress in order to find some happiness for a short period of time. And once it was over I felt a self-loathing for doing what I abhorred in other needy women.

Over time and through many other experiences I have regained my sense of strength. I have also found that it takes a man just as strong as I am to really appreciate it. Much to many men chagrin I refuse to bow down and take his stupidity. I know what I want and I know how to achieve it or to sit back and wait for it to happen.

I have also found that in my strength there is a certain release a true Man can feel. The same holds true in being a powerful woman and finding a man who can sustain her strength in order for her to regenerate as it were.

My problem is that there are so few men who can truly handle being with a strong woman. They like to think they can and they are drawn to your strength like a moth to the flame. However once they have you they realize the strength it takes on their part to deal daily with the intensity of a true Goddess. Once I have one of these men with inner weakness I lose all respect for him the second he allows me to walk all over him.

So my journey takes me in many odd directions. And sometimes CuckDom....it is a discovery to the woman herself as a constantly evolving work of art that will never be finished. For myself, I know what I want. I just don't believe it exists.

Sunday Morning Reflections

So I woke up this morning in a fairly decent mood. I still am for the most part. But a touch of sadness has come over me.

Last night my child was on stage at the biggest city event singing her little heart out to a crowd of over 40,000 people. Without a drop of stage fright in her. She is getting to be so grown up and such a wonderful little lady. I am astounded by her on a daily basis. I'm glad that with the stress and being always in the moment by being a single mother I am still able to step back and admire the incredible person she is becoming. It is truly one of life's miracles. To give birth to this tiny helpless creature and be the nurturer and the teacher and then send them out into the world. A lot of parents have it wrong. They think that you need to hold on as tight as possible to your kids and that they belong to them. Nothing could be further from the truth. We do not own our children. We are blessed to be part of their lives and help guide them and train them to become good people so that they may grow up and produce their own good people one day. Goodness and loving and support perpetuate the same. More people should try it.

This morning I got an email from my aunt and uncle who I no longer speak to for various reasons. They took the poinsettias out to the cemetery for the graves. Seeing the beautiful headstone just reminded me of how very much I miss my daddy. Most days I can keep my mind on other things enough to not be saddened by his absence but this morning the pain is fairly acute. Then I realized why. His mother died five years ago today. Ruby was everything I aspire to be. She was fun and gentle and loving and very innocent and childlike. She raised me for about a quarter of the year every year. I miss her very much too. Her death was easier to accept because she was 93 when she died. Daddy on the other hand was only 61 and should still be here. He should be here to walk me down the aisle when I get married again.

Which brings me to thinking about Joe. I haven't talked to him in days and I am missing him a lot. There are things I am ready to talk to him about. And sweet little Chris. How can I not like Chris? He is so young and so cute and so sweet. But honestly, Joe is my heart. He is the one I have been waiting so long for. There is absolutely no comparison with anyone else. Joe is my one and everyone else is just icing. Ok I am starting to get sappy.

Well now that I have wasted a good hour (almost) I should eat some breakfast and get dressed so I can go spend the day down at the aquarium with my girl. We are very excited about going. It is brand new grand opening this weekend. It should be tons of fun. I am most excited about the stingrays. I love stingrays and they seem to like me a lot as well.

Ok well now I know its time to stop writing as my brain just went blank and I found myself staring a a sun spot on the wall for 5 minutes. Sheesh!

New adventures for the Phoenix

Well the last post back in September has stayed with me. Dennis is long gone because after spending time with him I realized he was just a poser. I am however still close to Brian. I talk to him nearly every day.

So now I have Joe. I am completely smitten with Joe. What can I say about Joe? He is my angel. I realized yesterday that I have lived in the seven circles of hell for a reason. I would never have appreciated my angel if I hadn't lived through what I have.

So I spent the day talking to Joe's friend Steve. In speaking with him I realized some things about myself. I love lightbulb moments! I discovered that the reason I have had problems in relationships with dominant men is because I have no respect for them once they fuck me. All I see is the rutting animal after that. Now as much as I love and need rough hardcore fucking I can't love a man who can do that. I guess in my mind I can't reconcile a man who can fuck me mindless like a dirty whore could possibly be capable of givng me the emotional love and support and worship I know I need.

So enters Joe. He will love me and take care of me and treat me like a Goddess while I am free to get the physical satisfaction I need from an outside source to our relationship. This will only bring me closer to him. Once a bull has finished with his part and I send him away then Joe is the one who comes in and cleans me up and soothes me and holds me so I can sleep peacefully.

As commitment phobic as I am I am not with Joe. I just can't wait to start our life together. I am truly the luckiest woman alive. I want the world to know how precious he is to me and how much I need him.

Is it odd for a dominant strong woman to need her submissive as much as he needs her? I guess not as there would be no domination without someone submitting to it. I mean really where is the fun and fulfillment in ordering around a stuffed animal? And on the other hand one can't submit to something unless there is someone who is ready and able to take control.

I do believe I am going to start documenting my journey into the whole cuckolding BDSM world. But I believe that should in a new blog. The idea is dancing juicily through my mind tantalizing me ever so slightly. The delicious thoughts of chronicling this part of my life thrills me almost as much as living it does. I will come back to this post and put up the link to my new blog when I get the time to start it. Today is a busy day for me however. And I need to get rolling out of bed, take a shower and put some clothes on.

Here Have a Pickle or Two....

I find myself in an very interesting predicament. I placed an ad hoping to find a very special kind of man. All I wanted was just one man who fit my needs and I fit his. Instead I seem to have found two.

Brian came around first. The instant connection between us was incredible. Everything feels just right. Even though I am secretly terrified of moving to be with him and uprooting the girl child again and all of the crap I will have to endure from my family, I can honestly see myself with him for the rest of my life. He would work very hard to make sure I was happy. Hell he was almost ready to step back today to let me be with my other pickle if that is what makes me truly happy. But then I pulled him back in. I couldn't stand the idea of not having him in my life. Its an incredibly powerful and insanely delicious feeling having a man so completely wrapped around your finger and to know that you will do anything to protect him. Even if you end up protecting him from yourself.

Now my second pickle is Dennis. He came into my life last night and I feel like I have been swept up into a tornado. He is exciting and vibrant. In comparison Brian is the ice on my soul to soothe and comfort me. Dennis is the fire to set me ablaze. They each bring something different out in me. With Brian I easily say and do exactly what keeps him hooked. With Dennis I feel almost directed.

I am confused because I don't know which one is better for me. I want to take my time. I want to be with the right man. I want the man who sweeps me off my feet and can't stand the idea of not being my husband. I want the man who just knows he is supposed to marry me. I want the man who throws caution to the wind and falls so much in love with me that we just can't stand to be apart and we can feel each other even when we are apart. I dream of a love as passionate as my grandparents. They managed to know they belonged together after only 43 days of knowing each other and spent 64 years together. I know not all of it was happy or easy but they made it because they were together.

Ok so I am falling asleep and dreaming of the two men I am beginning to care about. Maybe my subconscious dreaming state will point me in the right direction. Goodnight my darlings.

Addictions

We all know addictions are bad right? Ok so if they are so bad why do they feel so good? Food addiction are for those delicious delectable treats that are loaded with crap we can't digest and certainly don't need but they are sooooo yummy. Drugs give you a high you can't get enough of. But pretty soon you are broke and overdosing because you never can achieve that original high no matter how much you do.

My point with all of this is that I have an addiction. His name is Max. I love him. Plain and simple but oh so bad for me. I can read every other human being who crosses my path very easily. I can feel what they feel and sometimes just gut instinct know what they are thinking or feeling. Not with Max. I think that is part of his appeal. He is a challenge to me. He destroyed two of my relationships. One of whom the other man I hurt ended up killing himself because I chose to be with Max over him and wouldn't take him back.

Three months ago I finally sent Max away. I was gaining control over my world again. I was dating againa nd feeling good about the way life was headed. Then Max sent a text. A very simple text that sunk his claws back into me. "I miss you" That's all it took...

Well in all fairness to me I did stay very leery of him for several weeks. Then he weaseled his way firmly back into my life. He says all the right things but doesn't follow through. He isn't sure if he really wants me or not though I think. But he wants to keep me wound in his web until he decides. And in all fairness I could be imagining all of this too but then again what kind of witch would I be if I can't trust the instincts. They are always right.

So I will continue on this path and be his toy until he breaks me like the selfish horrible boy that he is. He won't ever cherish me and take care of me. He will destroy me completely.

This new song senstaion called Jar of Hearts is the best descriptor I can find. I just wish I was strong enough to say Don't come back for me to Max.

I have a Dream

It doesn't seem like that big of a dream. It is an important dream though. I dream of not being alone. I dream of a man who worships me for the Goddess I am. He loves the fact that I am a witch. He thinks there is no way I could get any better. I want a man who values my strength and courage. I want a man who doesn't make empty promises to me but just is. He should be dependable and kind. He should be attentive and there when I need him. He should have his own life so we have time apart. I do not want to be consumed by him. I just want to be loved by him.

Now being that I am a witch I could easily cast a spell to bring this man to my life but I would forever question the validity. I did this once before and it ended so badly I couldn't be with anyone else for about 6 years after.

If I had the opportunity to tick off a list of the qualities I wanted in a man it would sound like a grocery list. And that is a key in casting a spell to have specifics or the universe can and most certainly play it out the way she sees fit. The universe as you know has a sense of humor and will use you as amusement if you leave yourself open to it.

The physical side of Mystery Man X is not as important. However having said that I need to be attracted to him. I want a man who 6 ft tall or more. I prefer bald or dark haired men but could equally be attracted to light hair. I prefer no facial hair or very little. He needs to be in good shape. Muscular with strong chest and arms. A little belly is cute but not too much. And as superficial as it might seem he needs to be white.

The emotional side is very important. He should have above average intelligence and use it to his advantage. He should be successful in his career. He should be single and want a monogamous relationship. He should be Pagan or at the least very Pagan friendly. He should be open minded and not be cruel to anyone or anything. He should be protective of those he loves. He should be dedicated to his family. He should be funny and able to relax when he is home. He should have similar goals as me. He should never be cruel or violent towards a woman or child.

He should love to snuggle but know when I need to be free. He should have faults as well. Leave the wet towel on the bathroom floor. Forget to mow the lawn some weeks. He should understand that the little things he does to let me know he is thinking of me is what will endure him into my heart forever.

I know this is an impossible dream to dream. But isn't that what dreams are for? To imagine having the impossible? There is no way a man of this caliber exists and is straight and would be into me exactly as I am. So for now I will continue to dream.

Which sort of brings me to another topic. Is it ok to love someone and let them fall in love with you if you know things aren't going to progress into your happily ever after? I guess a Mr. Right versus a Mr. Right Now. I love a man. I am not in love with him by any means. And I know he is falling for me. Even though we both agreed to keep it light. I am lonely and want him to stay in my life for now. I also know that he is not my One. Do I back out now before he falls even more or do I stay and let him love me knowing we will never be more?

Reflections

It's approximately 7 am on a Saturday morning. I have been awake for 2 hours now laying in bed in the dark contemplating several things.

The first and I suppose reason behind everything is that I have just one measly week before I turn 32. Now don't get me wrong. I love birthdays. I really don't mind getting older. What I do mind, however, is that I feel stuck. I feel like its time for some major changes.

Now as far as these changes go I have a lot of work to do and I just plain don't know where to start. And I am scared because I know these changes I want to make are going to well....change my life and that is a scary prospect. I am comfortable but not happy.

So I guess the first step is to figure out if I really am ready to make these changes. Am I ready to let go of some baggage? Am I ready to look different? Am I ready to accept new people into my life?

I am terrified but yes I am ready. It's far time to shake things up and find my happiness.

My first goal is to lose weight and get into better shape. I bought a membership to the gym and have yet to use it. I am using my daughter as an excuse. She should be the reason I am running to the gym and a life. I need to take care of myself so I can be here for her. All of this excess weight was put on during the time in my life when I was with a very abusive man. All it is is a reminder that I put the weight on to protect myself.

I have worked hard in the last few years to get myself back into a good place. My confidence is rising. I know what a truly awesome person I am. I am a fabulous mother. I bust my butt all day everyday at work and no one can find fault in the quality of work I do. I am happy in almost all areas of my life except for just a few.

After I work on the weight problem I fully intend to start putting myself out there. I have healed from the past relationships and I am ready to find someone to spend some time with. I don't necessarily want to settle down just yet but a nice slow easy relationship with no pressure would be really nice about now.

Last night I was sitting outside enjoying the quiet nighttime and then it hit me. I am lonely. Yes I have dozens of men I fill some of my time with. And the reason for that is because I am lonely. I miss Daniel. I am still undeniably very much in love with Daniel and so I date and flirt and mess around with lots of men trying to mask the pain I feel from losing Daniel.

So the root of the problem is that I am unhappy with myself. I figure if I change my weight, I change my romantic life, and I change anything else about me it will make me happier. I am sure in some ways it will. But the true root of it is that I am broken. The events in my life have finally taken a toll on me and there is not enough glue in the world to put me back together again. I want to fix myself I just don't know why I can't or how to start.

Th e Worst Pain I Have Ever Felt

Today I shattered again. Not fully mind you because I haven't finished this out yet. Once that is done I will be a shell once again.

I knew better than to open myself up to anyone. I did and now I am paying that price. I hurt more then I have ever hurt in my entire existence. Part of my soul has died and I will never be able to rebuild it.

The love of my life, Daniel, a man who has given me more in a month then any other person I have ever come in contact with. He healed me. He made me safe. He made me believe in myself again. Today he was offered a fantastic job 2500 miles away from me. He hasn't made a decision yet but it is an incredible opportunity.

He sees us staying together long distance. I have done the long distance thing before and it never works. It gets harder and harder. He would never ask me to come with him because he will refuse to let me uproot LeiLei. Which in the long run is a good thing.

I just can't breathe without him. I have never depended on a soul in my life and I don't know how to live without him now.

I did some thinking on my drive home and came to the conclusion that I have to let him go. I am a creature of faith. If he stays here then we can be together but I can't do long distance. My faith is not strong enough to believe it will work out in the end and we will ned up happily ever after. Real life doesn't work that way.

So now I am waiting until he calls me tonight to explain to him that even though I love him more than I have ever loved another soul I am letting him go. He needs to be free of me to make his choice.

I want to fight for him but I can't fight a force that I can't contend with. I am dying with each passing moment. I will not take the chicken way out and send a text or email. I will talk to him in person no matter how much I cry.

I should probably quit drinking but I can't handle being sober right now. I want nothing more then to bury my head under the covers and stay there. But I will drink and sleep and live in my depression. I will know something by the end of the week.

Life after DI

Well I officially made it to Sunday. That has been my goal since October. I have run myself completely ragged and as much as I bitched and moaned about it I was so happy with my team. They did a phenomenal job. For 5 out of 6 kids kids who had never participated before they did great. Coaching is great for all these stay at home moms who have the time to do this or the ones who works part time for something to do while the kids are in school, but single moms don't make very good coaches. I don't have it in me to coach again next year.

Now on to what has been happening for the last little while in my life.

Ok well a long time ago I set up an account on POF. I met several guys from there. One there was just no chemistry with at all. One who thought just because he was disabled he was entitled to put his hands on my body without my permission. One who was a decent guy but because I wouldn't put out on the first date he called and said I wasn't sexy enough for him. Oh and the one who emailed and asked me to use a huge dildo on him. So as you see my expectations for being contacted by anyone halfway normal or god forbide decent from that site were really low.

Until Daniel. He has shared himself. He has helped me in ways that I can't even begin to express my gratitude for. If I worked for the rest of my life I would never be able to come close to giving him the gift he has given me. He has shredded the self imposed bonds I held myself in.

I have found my true self again. I haven't seen me in about 9 years. I have held my heart and soul so guarded that I had forgotten what it was like to feel the sunshine on my face. I had forgotten what it is to love and allow myself to be loved.

The only problem is that I am terrified I will mess it up. Daniel is the man I have been dreaming of my entire life. And honestly he is more than I could have ever asked for. My life would be empty without him.

The longer I have sat here with all of these wonderful things running through my mind that I want to write about him, the more I realize I can't. He is mine to protect and cherish and love. I can't post him in my blog. Its not right.

All I know is that he is going to forever be a part of my heart. I think for the first time I am really in love withe someone. Every time I thought I loved before I was dying to rush in for fear it would stop or disappear. And it always quickly fizzled out. I have no desire to rush this because this feels like the long haul.

I am still contemplating my thoughts on marriage and babies and such. He is fine to not have anymore kids but I don't think I would be freaked out if it happened. Now marriage is a whole other ball game. I have been married twice and both were epic failures. I don't think I am ready for that route again. Not that we are there but I am scared that he will want that in the future. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there. And to be honest he has me thinking marriage might not be so bad after all. I think my fear is that if we do get married someday it will ruin our happiness. I don't need the paper or a law to tell me I belong to someone. I know I belong to Daniel.

Anyway, I have sat here and contemplated and typed very little in the last 2 hours. It is my lazy day and I don't want to be lazy. I want to clean my house and be active today. Maybe I can convince LeiLei to get out and about with me today. I had a full nights sleep for the first time in years. I feel revitalized and alive and ready to take on the world again!

I forgot what it was like to soar.

New Beginnings

Boy, I went back and read my last post. I was obviously depressed and being melodramatic. But it was what I was feeling at the time. I was still broken. I had given up on life in general. I was being self-serving in my pity party. A lot has changed in the last 10 months.

I finally found work back in August. My job is hard work and really super stressful but I love it. Well, I loved it until this last week. We have a new manager and she has swooped in and made all these changes to help streamline things. Which don't get me wrong some of the changes she has implemented are great but the changes she made to my team are all completely wrong. Things got lost and potential of hundreds of thousands or dollars could have been dinged on our company by the various insurance departments we deal with. But thankfully with the snow and ice on Friday our former manager finally saw what kind of hell we have been living in and is going to talk to the new manager on Monday about why we do things the way we do them.

Anyway, now it's time to get in the shower and take my sweet girl to Valentines breakfast. Yummy gingerbread pancakes! I will be back to write more later.