My Self Anaylsis

A few interesting events have taken place in the last week or two. I got to reminiscing with Marco and made a short list of men I had feelings for at some point. Things obviously ended for various reasons with these few men. Anyone who knows me knows how strongly I believe in exs are exs for a reason and to never go back.

Anyway, so it was odd for me to look back and wonder how these few men are. Dennis, Russo, and Brian. They were all from around the same point in my life. I loved each of these men for different reasons and what they brought out in me. I am forever changed by these men. So I wanted to see if they were happy in life.

Well, I found Russo and had a couple decent conversations with him. He has a 3 year old daughter now that he was tricked into and it changed him some but for the most part he is still the player he once was. It works for him and he has the charisma to carry it off and he would never intentionally hurt anyone. I just never learned to share and he wanted his cake and to eat it too. I would never have been with another man when I was with him and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting home waiting for him to come to his senses and stop fucking other women. So I left. He still wants the same thing even 12 years later.

I was particulary curious about Brian because he was not from Memphis so I had no idea how to check up on him without actually trying to find him. And again this is a fairly new phenomenon in my life of looking backwards. If you live in the past you tend to fall over your future and never get the sweet joy of living in the now.

ok so back to Brian, I posted an ad on CL in Orlando just one the random off chance. Seriously how many ppl read CL and how many ppl live in Orlando? The chances seemed ridiculous on ever finding him. Well, I got an email from a man who went to high school with him and told me he'd let him know. Well I got an email from Brian and I responded back but nothing yet. So my bet is that he is gone for good now. Which I am totally ok with. I guess my curiousity has been sated for now.

The third one was by far the most profound one. Dennis. I met Dennis online and we hit it off as kind of flirty friends but I never thought anything would actually happen as I was 16 I think. Maybe possibly 17 and still in high school and he was 24. Dennis was a good guy. A bit goofy and childish but hell looking back aren't we all at that age? Dennis spent most of our time together telling me not to fall for him. I did anyway but tried hard to keep it to myself. He decided to call me and end it one day. It hurt a lot but I bounced back and moved on.

Years later Dennis shows back up in my life. I partied hard during those years and slept with dozens of men. I settled down and ended up with Brian. Towards the end of Brian and I's relationship I ended up cheating on Brian with Dennis. The one and only time I have ever cheated on anyone.

He was so scared of being tied down that it was better to let him go. Kinda goes back to the adage of let it go and if it comes back it is meant to be yours. Well, Dennis never came back. He ended up marrying another girl.

Well back around to the point is that while I wondered about Dennis I never once considered looking for him. It was just not an option. Dennis changed my life in more ways then he will ever really know. I still remember conversations and I still see things the way I learned from him. He is forever weaved into my soul and my being and my thoughts and my way of life.

Hell I even thought my darling stalker was Dennis because of the Sharks. But a few short days ago Dennis found me again. He apologized for making the wrong choice by marrying the other girl. But the kicker is that he is still married to her. They have been married for 8 years. Dennis and I haven't seen each other in about 10 years. He remembers our relationship like I do. He remembers things I had forgotten about.

Dennis has evolved into an incredible man. We joke and laugh and talk like nothing has changed and no time has been wasted between us. He is the only man who isn't scared of me and all my moods and changes. He is just as intelligent as I am. He is such a positive person now. I couldn't be more proud to be friends with a man like him.

I truly wish he finds his happiness with his wife again.

So I sit here in the dark listening to music and typing this entry out with heart wrenching tears streaming down my face. Not only for what I once lost with him 10 years ago but for now and knowing I can't continue on with him while he is married because I will only fall in love with him again.

I am grieving tonight not only for the past but for the future as well. Sometimes there is a song that says it so perfectly. I did change one word in it though.


"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I wasn't exaggerating when I told him that I would survive another heartbreak. I barely made it through the last one with him. I let him go and he didn't come back.

But I am broken now. All of it has broken me. I am simply a shell that people continue to depend on and want around so I am a ghost of my former self. Enough to let the people think its real. Why hurt anyone else when a simple delusion makes them happy?

But thats all I can give anymore. I don't have anything left in me. So I will continue to go to work and love my job. I will stay on the outskirts an avoid getting personally involved with anyone. I will date loser jerks because then I have a good reason not to continue on with them. I will find contentment alone. I complain about not having any friends but I don't have anything to give to anyone. I will work and pay bills and be a mother to my daughter. I will focus all I have left on her. She needs me. She is still at the age where she thinks she will live with me forever. I don
t have many of tose precious years left before she is ready to be done with me. Then I an happily crawl inside myself and lock the world out.

Goodnight.

Ok! I have no idea what I am going to write

I am sitting here reading a story entitled "My husband is a snail and I can't whisper." Well about 2 paragraphs into this story I lost interest. It just didn't pertain to me but it did get my juices flowing for the fact that I have avoided my blog as of late.

I'm not even sure why I have. Part of it is the fear of waiting for my biopsy results to come back. Yes I am sick of half bleeding to death and yes I am tired of the pain. I am tired of trying to wait and see if THIS month if I will hit the menstrual lottery yet again. I want my uterus out! I am 100% positive I don't want more kids. And I no longer need the womb.

But why in the world do I fear feeling different if it is removed? Now I don't have those cliche feelings of "will I be less of a women now?" or "what's going to happen to my sex life?" No! My fear is not feeling complete.

It's silly I know but I felt this way when I had my tonsils removed and my appendix and my gallbladder. Even though these things also caused me pain and problem after probelm. They are still mine and they belong inside of me.

Yes I am strange. You haven't figured that out in reading my previous posts yet? Seriously do we need to call the short bus to get you home safely? Yes I am feeling particularly cruel at the moment.

Why am I feeling cruel? Well, let's just say I am feeling pretty good today other than being in one of the most miserable points in my life. I don't think I will ever find a job at this rate. It's frustrating to be looking so long for work that jobs you applied for and were filled by another person are now available again. When I know for a fact that if they had taken a chance on me they would have still had a wonderful employee filling the spot happily.

My other stress point is living at home with my parents. I hate it. I can't be myself. I can't have friends over to hang out. I can't have any space to live. When I try to seek privacy in the sanctuary of my room I am blasted for being anti-social. It's a very frustrating cycle.

But back to the friends part. I don't have any. Yeah there is M but ever since he admitted he thought about us in a relationship from time to time it freaked me out. He looks at me completely different than from the way I view him. We have fun together but honestly after 7 years I think its time to move on and find more friends. I just have no idea how to go about doing that. I am so different than any of the other moms at the girl's school. All those moms have been glued at the hip since the births of their precious little people. I am an outsider.

I keep thinking maybe I will go to Wolf Grove and meet some people who share my religious views but I don't get up and go. I don't know what's stopping me. Is it possibly shyness? Hell it is more likely the fear of rejection. I don't know. Most days I feel like I have one foot out the door. Ready to bolt back to what I know and love th ebest. Tennessee. But I stay here in Texas and sacrafice my own happiness so the girl child has a good life.

Isn't that what being a parent is all about?

Wow

Last night I got a message from one of my oldest friends to call her. I had switched phone so I left her messages all over the place telling her to send me her number. Then I remembered I still had it in my old phone. So finally around 9:45 I called her and found out some crazy news.

Her oldest son's girlfriend is pregnant. I think everyone is still in shock. He is 16. The kids told my friend a week ago and I guess they all loaded up and told the girl's mom last night.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. She kept telling me over and over again that it was fine and everything would be ok. I wonder who she was trying to convince.

She married a man when she was 15 and had her kids really young at 16 and 18. So now she is 34 and going to be a grandmother. I'm sure she isn't handling it well. But I know her. She will power through this and be stronger on the other side. She will also do what she has to do to make sure the kids stay in school too. I really wish I was closer to her again.

I keep thinking I need to just pack up and move back to Tennessee. I miss everybody there. My dad is gone so I think it would be bittersweet living there again but all my friends are there. I could participate in my church again. LeiLei wouldn't have as good of a school system as here but she would have more friends to play with more often. I don't know what the job situation is out there anymore.

I just don't have the answers right now. Maybe one day I will but who knows. Well I need to clear a space in our room for the cable guy this afternoon. Finally 4 people won't have to fight over 3 tvs. Since apparently my stepdad gets 2 of the 3 tvs. Long story and I am not going to bitch right now.

More later when I feel like expressing myself more.

My Stalker <3 <3 <3

Ok so he really is not my stalker but he has become very dear to me. I miss him when he is not around. I do know he is married and has his own life but still it is like my little secret. For the time we share together is all about us. He is my friend and I am his friend. We know quite a bit about each other yet we are still very much anonymous to each other.

I think it helps to have something that no one else can touch. No matter what happens in real life there is someone who will listen to you rant and rave about the stupid things and be on your side.

So I miss him. At least I know he thinks of me. He emails me when he disappears. I think of him too. He's right he can't properly stalk me if he neglects me.

Well, I look forward to my next stalking! <3<3<3<3

Mothers are the Root of All Evil

I have done extensive studies on this topic. Mothers are the root of all evil. It doesn't matter if they are super sweet and loving angels or creatures of destruction and doom. It all comes out about the same.

No matter what kind of mother you have there is something in your life that you do or act like because of your mother. More than likely these are not always the happy behaviors of Thanksgiving traditions, but something more akin to screeching like a harpy at your spouse.

Now in my defense there are some wonderful mothers out there. I, myself am a mother. But here in lies the difference...or does it? I know I am screwing up my kid. i know she will looks back on her younger years and wonder why the hell I forced her to wear a seatbelt. Or why I yelled at her for moving at supersonic might as well be moving in reverse speed. I KNOW I do these things. I know I am nuts.

How do I know this you ask? Very well...I shall tell you. MY MOTHER IS FREAKING NUTS AND IS DRAGGING ME DOWN WITH HER!

Ok so yes, I know she has medical issues that cause her insanity but for fucks sake just shut up already! No one cares 45 minutes after you discovered a dish turned the wrong way in the dishwasher! You other daughter doesn't call you because she doesn't want to sit and listen to you complain for 3 hours!

My godfather told me there must be a special place in Heaven for people like me to deal with people like my mother. Well fuck I hope so! I should be declared a goddamn saint for the shit I have to put up with! I am told no less than 12 times a week that I am not a very good mother, that I have too much stuff, that I am a screw up, and several other minor things not even worth mentioning.

For anybody who actually knows me they know this isn't true. My mother just has to nitpick and fuss and bitch about anything and everything AND then call everyone else negative. Again, not sure how this is supposed to work. I really truly wish someone would loan me a map to study to navigate through a crazy person's mind.

She's killing me. Now I know why my stepdad let us move in with them so he had someone to take more of the brunt off him. She switches between the 2 of us now. One day it will be him and then the next its all me. At least P and I have something in common and we share a great deal of mean humor between us. We tease her and torment her but mostly behind her back. It is our only way to lighten the evilness that she bestows upon our family.

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to have to sit a child down and explain to her that her grandmother is crazy and we have to really watch what we say in front of her? And its ok just because grandma is crying and threatening to committ suicide doesn't mean she actually will. That's a great lesson to teach a kid! Let's sign her up for more.

So I guess the moral of this story is...yes mothers are the root of all our insecurities and questions about ourselves. But I relish in the fact that no matter how much I may screw my own kid up it could never come close to how my mother screwed me up!

Today is my Brother's Day

June 8, 2007 my most precious of adopted brothers was killed by his brother. Because he lay on the bathroom floor dying and no one calling for help my brother lost his life and wasn't actually pronounced dead until the 9th. The murderer left my brother to die on the floor because of all the drugs and underage kids and alcohol in his house. No one could walk my brother 2 blocks down the street to the emergency room to save him. They let him die alone.

My brother, Tym, was a truly amazing soul. From his deaths prior to the final one he changed into one of those people who can see things in ways mere mortals cannot. He knew things. He saw into people. He many times over gave me the tools to find the answers I needed. I love him and I can't remember a time he wasn't in my life. I miss him dearly.

Tym's anniversary only compounds my pain of losing my dad too. I lost both of my rocks less than a year apart. Both murdered by people who were supposed to love them. Why is life such a cruel joke?

I miss them both. Tym I love you mushly! Daddy I love you!

Why the fuck......

do people assume they know me? Why the fuck do people presume to know what is best for me? Why the fuck do people push their insecure issues off onto me? Do I not have enough of my own?

I am a one woman legion of idiosyncrisies! I have my own shit to deal with. I am comig out of a years long funk only to be battered over and over by people who are obviously heartless and self serving. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE!

I don't need your drama. I don't need to sweep up after you and I sure as fuck don't need your anger towards the rest of the world directed at me?

Yeah now is the time I point to myself and call the kettle black. I am more than aware of my failings as a human being but don't presume you know me or what I want. Don't joke about it. Don't push my buttons. Oh and yes in case you haven't noticed... THIS is a big one!

I will not be told how to live my life. I will not be told what I want out of MY life because it is what you secretly want out of ours. I do not want marriage. I do not want children. I want to live in peace and quiet and maybe one day far down the road I want to find a man I can share my quiet with. A man who will be quiet along side me.

All of these men in my life right now are nothing more than a stepping stone. I know that. THAT is why I do not lead anyone on. When someone asks me what I want I tell them friends. I might even find one I want to fuck. I am very particular about that because I won't risk my life like I once did. I managed to survive with NO diseases in fucking over 100 men. Yes that number is a low ball. I know what I was like. I enjoyed every second of it as well. But I also no longer have a death wish. I have a beautiful child I want to be here for.

And well truth be told there is no sex good enough to risk dying for it. I doubt there is a man on this planet worth my life. I have no soulmate. I don't want soulmate.

Yes I get lonely so I fill my loneliness with men and chat and emails. It fills a void in me that can't be filled any other way.

I have embarked on one of my hardest journeys in life. I found myself once and I lost her. The girl in the garden....(thanks Sooj)

Well I have been proven right AGAIN

Men are scum. Even the ones who seem like great and wonderful men at first turn into scum. J never emailed me or called or anything. I know his vacation didn't last this long. I even tried to convince myself I was wrong. I went back and read the emails and replayed the whole thing in my mind.

For a few brief days I was excited and happy to talk to someone who understood me. Someone I seemed to connect with. But yet again he turned into an ass. No calls, no emails, nothing. J I hope you read this and feel like the prick that you are! You are a grown fucking man and if you can't bother to email and say hey...I don't think I am going to pursue this anymore. That would have been the decent thing. You claim to want a decent woman and you had a serious shot at one but noooooo you have to be a prick.

Ok, now that I am done venting about that I will move on to better things. So anyway I ran across an ad for a job I applied for back in Feb. I know I didn't get the job because of the fact that I had this horrendous cough the entire time during the interview. It was cold outside and hot in the office which set my sinuses off. So in my desperate I need a job fashion I emailed the boss again with my resume and told him that I know I interview badly and he was missing a chance to have a fabulous employee if he would only give me a chance.

Now I have a creepy crazy guy who won't leave me alone. He keeps calling and texting me. He was leaving these crazy messages on my voicemail. He was asking me why I had hurt him and how I was acting like this after I said I wasn't like other women. Not even in this context either did I say this. I just can't get away fast enough when the red flags start popping up. I hadn't even met him and he was talking like we had been together for years. No thanks time to step off.

Ok well, I am going back to the sending resume thing. I have some other things to deal with and then hopefully I should start getting some phone calls. I need to get the birthday party invites ready for the kids who I don't have home addresses for so LeiLei can take them to school Thursday and give them to those kids. So far we have 5 yes's to attend out of the 17 kids she invited. But that was just a save the date email. I haven't sent out the real invitations yet. I am excited about the party but also dreading it as well. Bowling alley...kids...oh wait there is a bar by the lanes! HAHA

Ok I am going back to real life now. I think I have caught up on everything I have missed in the last week or so. Hopefully I have anyway!

I Plead Insanity Sir!

Dear Judge,

All I can say for myself is I plead temporary insanity. Maybe it was mixing strawberries with that half of a sleeping pill I took last night. Maybe for gods sake I was bored out of my mind and it was the middle of the night!

I have no idea what the hell possessed me to do what I did. The response was insane. I recieved 73 emails in the hour it was left up.

I know! We can call it another experiment. I have absolutely no intention of emailing a single one of them. No one knows me and the only way to identify me is the tattoo. And that one is covered most of the time.

I was thinking about going over and finally letting Marco do the photo shoot. I want some good pictures of me. The one picture I have of myself that doesn't suck is the bra pic.

Ok haven't had any caffeine in me this morning. My brain is still off in fuzzy land. And I am super ADD right now. Everytime I stop to try to gather my thoughts I realize that I have been thinking weird things and like 40 different things have popped into my head in a matter of seconds.

OOOOOOOH J will be back at work today. I seriously missed him. I never thought it was possible to miss someone you don't really even know but I did miss him.

Well, I didn't publish this post yet because I was waiting on J but he isn't around yet so here it goes.

Resolved aka The Right Decision

Whether or not I end up persuing this thing with J or not I know I made the right decision regarding S. He was highly upset about the blow off. I didn't flirt and I didn't lead him on. I told him from the get go I was interested in J. Is it really my fault for being so cavalier? Did I do something wrong? I was just enjoying myself with one of the rare extremely intellectual men I have run across.

No, I am not responsible for the actions and feeling of others. I know that. But I am responsible if I deliberately lead him on. I didn't. I stated up front from the very beginning that I wasn't interested in a relationship and that I would be happy to be friends. He read more into the situation that was really there.

Oh well, I can't change it now and I won't be forced into a relationship on a guilt trip. When I decide on a relationship it will be a unified decision.

Anyway, I have finalized the party plans and now I just need to look for horse invitations and get a birthday gift for the kiddo. I think I am going to get her a grown-up necklace. I can't believe my baby is going to be 8! I don't want her to grow up. And it sends my biological clock to ticking but I know I don't want another one. I am finally getting to have a little freedom and I do NOT want to start all over again. And babies are starting to lose the cuteness for me. I don't even ooh and aaah over them when I see them out anymore. I am content with one and then I get my real life back. I want to travel and experience life now that I am old enough to truly enjoy it. I am looking forward to the next 10 years or so. I just need to get fixed! LoL

Confliction and It's Outcome

Have you ever known exactly what you want and you find it or close to what you think you might want only to be shown another option? Maybe I am just the most fickle person on Earth but I used to go through this constantly. I guess I am still trying to figure out what it is that I want.

It strikes me as odd that I told J before he left that I wasn't going to go out and find someone else while he was gone. Now here is S. S is incredible. He is well educated. His intelligence surpasses my own and I seriously don't say that easily. He is offering something I am comfortable with. Something from my past that is ingrained in me. But I don't think I want that anymore. No, actually I know I don't want that anymore. If I did I would have gone back to Paul when he came back into my life. I stood firm. I won't be in that position again.

I started this blog last night because I was conflicted. I am not committed to anyone and I never started this whole thing to become committed to anyone. However I somehow have been presented with two options. I woke up this morning absolutely clear on which one to chose. So I sent an email to the one it needs to be ended with.

I know it's not the case but I feel like I was cheating on J. If he sees it that way too I will understand. I never did anything that can be construed as cheating. Just some conversation. I have been out of the "dating" world for so long that it was kind of exciting having another man persue me like that. I never would have done anything with anyone until I made a decision. Infidelity is just not part of my make-up. I know it's crazy to feel like this but I just want J to know that nothing happened and I'm sorry if he feels betrayed.

At the same time I am not in a relationship with anyone. And after everything in the past few years I feel I should be looking around at my options. Although what S is offering is not something that I really am after anymore. I have changed a lot since I was in that lifestyle. Yes there are some things that are still a part of me from then but I just can't give up control anymore.

J is supposed to get home today. I don't know if he will call or email today or if I am going to have to wait until tomorrow. I do miss him terribly. I know that is why I continued on with S because I miss J and our conversations. I wanted something to keep me entertained while J was gone.

So it boils down to this.... J I want you and I missed you and I am so glad you are getting home today and I hope you call and I don't have to wait until tomorrow to hear from you.

Mornings

Mornings in my life come with no pomp and circumstance. It is what it is. Here I am sleeping peacefully and then the rude insistent blare of the alarm clock rips into my mind and reminds me yet again that it's time to roll out of bed cheery and happy and ready to start the day.

Only one small problem persists. The older I get the more offended I am by mornings. The more my body drags and the more painful it feels as my body attempts to readjust to being in the wakeful state. It might have something to do with the odd soap opera of a dream that has been playing out in my dreams for several nights now.

I spend about 15-30 minutes every morning hitting the snooze so that I can find out what is going to happen next. This more than likely contributes to the feeling of being severely beaten every morning.

I don't drink coffee but I now see why people suckle at it's teat like it holds the answer to their very existence. I am the same with Dr Pepper. DP is the answer to life. It is sweet and smooth and lovely blast of ice cold goodness as it slides down my throat in the mornings. AWWWWW! The blessed first rush of caffeine in my system. Could there be anything sweeter in life?

Ok well maybe a few things. Being curled in a tent with someone you care about and making love under the stars. (I am far too old to be playing the quickie in public game.) Opening your eyes in the morning to find that you have drifted over and are back cuddled next to the man you love. Ok so yes there are other pleasant things to wake to in the mornings but when you are single, grumpy, and horny you just want the damn caffeine! LoL

Speaking of the gods of DP....I can't believe I am writing this before I have had any. Please disregard this entire post as it more than likely is not very coherent.

Draining Day

Well let's see I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6 am for no good reason. Then 9 rolls around and the guy who was going to buy the software changed his mind. Oh for fuck's sake people it's $20 damn dollars for like $3000 worth of stuff! Come on you are really going to look through it hoping to find Microsoft Office 2007 for $20 fucking dollars! I don't think so. I am smart enough to take out the things worht more money to sell on eBay. I just wanted the shit out of my way. I am tired of living in this hell of missing my Daddy. His crap isn't going to bring him back so I don't want to look at it anymore.

Anyway, some guy from like an hour and a half away drove to come get it. Like me he figures there is something he can use and after all....it's only $20 DOLLARS!

Ok, can you tell this is a point of contention with me after the asshat wasted my potential sleeping time this morning. J, darling, it is probably a good thing you aren't here today. I am in a mood. Have I mentioned how moody I am? Well I am very moody. Mostly it is just raging against anything. And I rarely turn my moods on someone I care about but I do rant and rave and bitch my sweet little heart out. Again...good reason to blog for me.

I am going a bit batty with the posts though because I haven't truly blogged in a few years. There is a lot in me that has been building. I need some release (perv!) and some way to expend my crazy energy.

I am sitting here looking at about a hundred movies in a box and knowing I really need to catalog them I am just sort of trying to figure out how I can leave them where they are and sleep around them tonight since they are on my bed. Well, I have to do something because the new shelf is on LeiLei's bed and I have no place for it until I move out the other box of like 500 movies so I can put the shelf where it needs to be. I might have to bully Marco into coming to help me. Or bribe him. Haven't decided yet. I guess the first thing would be this box on the bed. Then move on to the second box. See how things pan out. We might not be getting into the closet anytime soon though.....

Ok it's after 4 and I am hungry and ready for a nap. All I had was a piece of pizza today. Ok yes I am procrastinating! Fine! I am going I am going....Sheesh! I have a guilty conscience!

Memorial Day

Today is the day on one side of my family that they load all the little children up and all the old people up and everyone heads out to the cemetary to put out new flowers and clean up the graves of the family who are no longer with us. Today is Decoration Day for us. Not to mention they all bring food to share in a potluck kinda of dinner AT THE FREAKING CEMETARY! WTF? I have pictures of cousins playing baseball at the cemetary while all the adults lounge around in beach chairs eating and talking.

Seriously, I know I am from the South and all but doesn't this tradition border on the fucking insane? I have no desire to ever go eat the the gravesites of those I love and miss. The cemetary is reserved for crying and reflecting and missing your loved ones. Or walking through and remembering or trying to figure out people's lives. Who did they love? How did they live their lives? Isn't it sad we live our entire lives trying to make a difference in the world and in the lives of those around us only to be stuck in a box underground when our bodies die with a big stone over our heads with our name and our start and end dates?

Somehow I find it all disheartening and it makes me want to change something. My biggest fear is being forgotten. But seeing as how not a single friend actually remembered my birthday this year I guess my biggest fear was realized. Now I have nowhere to go with fear. There really is nothing I fear anymore. Being forgotten on my birthday didn't affect me like I thought it would. Yeah it was depressing as hell but I got over it. Of course I am still going to give M hell for calling me and not remembering. It hurt....a lot more than I would ever actually let on. I don't want lots of gifts. I just want a call or an email or something. Take me out and buy me a drink.

So today I have planned to meet this man up at the Sonic to sell him all of Dad's software. I am getting to the point where I can let go of some stuff. There is no need to keep all of Dad's stuff I have. I took out what I wanted and packed the rest in a box and am now selling several thousands of dollars worth of computer software for $20. Why? Because I want it gone. I don't want to look at it anymore. It is not conducive to healing. I have other more important things that remind me of Daddy.

You know sometimes I think I am getting better and then WHAM I am slammed upside the heart with actual physical pain from missing him so much. And then I realize I will never be the same again. Nothing will ever heal me from his murder. I can't reconcile with anything. It wasn't his time to go. He wasn't old or in bad health. He was killed by that horrid devil woman he was going to divorce. He had the divorce papers in his briefcase in his truck to take them to the lawyer the day she killed him. I can't wait to watch Karma dance all over her slutty evil face.

Yes I am angry. Some days I go through all of the stages of grief again and again. There will never be answers. My heart won't have peace again. THIS is why I don't want to be involved with anyone. No one needs to be around me when I am raging like this. I would never ask anyone to deal with it. Grief is such a nasty emotion. It is probably best I go back to being closed off. It's easier. Lonely but easier.

Anyway, enough of that. Today I am going to take LeiLei to see Night at the Museum 2. She doesn't know yet. I posted an ad on CL to see if I could find another single parent who had a daughter LeiLei's age or close to it. Just friends and maybe the girls would get to be friends too. Who knows. My luck is I keep running into horny people. Why is there not another person around who wants to be just friends. Does everyone have to fuck someone all the time? I honestly get horny but right now I am perfectly content not to be screwing anyone. Call me crazy but I grew up and stopped fucking just for the fun of it. I just want there to be some meaning behind it now. If I start sleeping with someone I want it to be the last person I have sex with.

Still not going to get married again but I do want the committment and the partner without the slip of paper. That one little piece of paper causes more problems. And it sure as hell isn't like super paper and going to stop a speeding penis from leaping into random vaginas unless the man it is attached to is actually in control of his penis and not the other way around. How's that for an idea of an adult cartoon? A bunch of penises leading men around on little leashes. I guess that would fall under a fetish film.

Ok really I am this warped. Are you really sure you think it's a good idea to get involved with me J? Seriously? But then again you are still playing at the beach and enjoying your vacation. I am just about willing to bet I get a call Wednesday when you get home or then again maybe not. You probably found a cute lil mermaid to tickle your fancy and are now going to go play Tom Hanks and live underwater with her. But that's ok...my dark and twisty side expects this. I expect and am in fact waiting to not hear from you. You might surprise me yet though. There is something different about you. And you do seem genuinely interested in me and my warped little screwed up world.

So the question is....Why? Are you that intrigued by my psychosis that you want to study me like some animal in my natural habitat? Or do I actually touch part of you (not that part ya perv!) and you want to figure out why? Do you have a knight in shining armour complex and you need a damsel in distress to complete the look? I don't get it. But then again maybe I should stop trying and just take things at face value. Doubtful that will happen but....hope springs eternal now doesn't it?

Ok ending for this morning. I have now been typing for about 2 hours and I am tired and my brain hurts from crying. Too deep for this early in the morning. So now I am going to go see if I can find this statue I want to buy and keep my fingers crossed that the woman comes through with buying the purse. OOOOH crap I almost forgot software guy at 9. I am naked and it's a quarter til 9 now! Crap!

Here I Go Again

So I have discovered that I am not addicted to CL. I post ads to see what happens and what occurs. I have met some great people from CL. Today's ads included one about a needy Neurotic Girl Seeks Knight in Rusty Armor. One begging for any employer to give me a chance. And one wondering how a bi or lesbian woman would react if a straight woman asked to try out having her pussy eaten by another woman but with no reciprocation. Boy let me tell you today has been interesting.

I thought I posted ads on CL because I was bored and wanted someone to talk to but now I know I do it because I am addicted and it has turned into a hobby. I can't complain too much because it brought me J. And J has turned out to be a wonderful addition to my little world. I enjoy his emails and our talks. He gets me like no one else ever has. Although I am still leary that it is all nothing but a line.

Boy I am hoping he isn't freaked out or offended by all of these blogs when he gets back in town. That would suck! But then again I'd rather him run off now while it wouldn't hurt than for me to get attached to him.

Ok so let's see what have I accomplished today? Dishes, vacuum, sorted through and placed an ad for the software, forgot to eat, goofed off on CL. OOOh and I took the trash out.

Our Rose of Sharon bush is about to explode with blooms. I can't wait to get out and take pictures of them. I missed the wisteria blooming this year. I planted some sweet peas but I don't know if they will hold or not. I love flowers but I don't like to have to keep them alive. I always forget to water them until theay are way past dead.

Ok back to the slave labor again. It's time to haul the heavy ass boxes of movies inside and start cataloging and sorting. Well maybe it would behoove me more to clear out the corner I want the shelf in and then put the shelf together first.

I swear I have no common sense sometimes. I need a keeper!

Sleep....Blessed Sleep

Anyone with children knows that sleep is one of those priceless and rare things you will never truly see again once the little darlig bless your life. Whether it is as a new parent and the baby needs to eat everything 2-3 hours and you learn to sleep like soldiers during combat time. Or your kids are grown and out of the house. Sleep is a luxury now.

I am still trying to fully recover from a bout of mono. Yes I am experiecing mono at age 31. Laughable but true. And actually until I had my diagnosis I wasn't very educated on mono either. I mean I had it as a kid but I was too young to really know what it was. I got mine from sharing a soda with a neighbor. Apparently it is in the same virus family as herpes, so once you contract it you have it and it can flare up at any time. 90% of the US population has it and most don't even know it.

Anyway, so I am still really fatigued after long hard working days. I was busy and ran around too much yesterday and I am feeling it today for sure. I really need to get my butt up and motivated today and get some stuff cleared out and put up. I have probably close to 1000 movies that need to be taken out of the tubs they are in and put up on the shelf I bought. I know I am going to need another shelf too. I just need to stack them differenty and make a list of what's on each shelf so I can also catalog my movies too.

Ok now I know for certain I don't want to actually do anything today. I keep stopping in the idde of my typing to play a video game. LoL! I know I know naughty me but it's Sunday on Memorial Day weekend! Who can blame me?

The list of things that need to be accomplished are:
Clear out the area for the shelf
Put shelf together
Put movies on the shelf
Move other boxes of movies inside from the garage
Sort through 3 large boxes in the garage
Set up DVD/VCR recorder in living room
PooperScoop
Vacuum
Change sheets on beds
Get some real money making work done
Possibly rearrange bedroom (still deciding on this one)
Walk the dog
Cut dog's nails
Give dog a bath
Other miscellaneous things I can't think of right now

*sighs* so much for the weekend. I should have stayed home yesterday and got some stuff done. I also need to go through the giant box of software from my dad and pull out what I need or want and then list the stuff on CL for sale. I don't care what I get for it I just want it out of my way to clear some space. I am tired of living in this itty bitty house (not really little but with 4 people and 2 dogs and 2 households full it is tight) where my mother the packrat has to keep all her stuff. Seriously, my bed is next to three 9 ft tall book shelves with 6 shelves each and total width of all three is 9 ft. And the shelves are all packed full. Most shelves are doubled up if they hold small books and stuff. It is crazy.

Yes I know it would actually change if I got off my butt and did it instead of bitching on a blog about it. But it is so overwhelming I don't know where to start so I bitch. I know my own procrastination skills when I see them. Ok I think I will do the software first because that could potentially bring in some money! Weeee! Love the idea of that.

Old Blog Being Moved Over Here

Ok, here we are again. It's been awhile since I have last blogged. I went back and recently read 110 of my past blogs and couldn't believe some of the things in them.

Which I suppose brings us to this one. Have you ever taken the opportunity to look back on your life and wonder how you ended up where you are?

I try really hard not to look back. What will you gain from looking backwards other than road rash when you trip and fall on your ass?

The answer is absolutely nothing. Nothing can be won or achieved from wondering what in the hell made you say this or that.

Honestly, I can't believe what I said and all in all it made me worse for wear to go through all that stuff. I blog for a reason. I blog to purge the crap that floats in my head. I blog to help others. I blog to entertain others. Mostly I just forget what I've written when I am done.

I don't want the past. I don't want the things from the past. And Goddess knows I sure as hell don't want to be the me that is from the past. I love who I am now. I am happy and contented and looking forward to the future. I can't wait to see what I will do and who I will meet.

Now admittedly, there are parts of my past that I feel like people should know about me. I talk about them still because they made me who I am. This brings me to the reason for this entry. Today is the Witches New Year and I wish to fully leave behind the past and live only in the future. I am writing this as a series of events in my life that made huge impacts and forever changed me for better or for worse. These events made me who I am. I would NEVER want to change them but I sure as hell hope never to have to live through them again! Enjoy reading or stop now as this will be long and involved and hard to finish.

Event 1:
My parents divorce forever changed me. It wreaked my little world and caused me to hurt my parents and push at them to prove that they wouldn't leave me too when things got rough. I finally got over the divorce at age 23 when a very dear friend of mine looked at me and said, "It's none of your business. That was their relationship and not yours." (Thanks Shay...I love you)

Event 2:
Moving in with my dad. Up until this point I had lived with my mother so this was very different for me. My dad also used to whip me with a belt and try to "break my spirit" when he wasn't ignoring me. When I was 18 my dad beat me so badly I couldn't speak for almost a week. It took me bringing the cops to his house so that I could get my stuff out.

Event 3:
Leaving the night my father beat me for the last time. I ended up with no place to go so the guy I was sort of dating told me he'd take care of me and we could go to his house in Mississippi. Being scared and alone I went. Only I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I was held captive in backwoods Mississppi for 4 months and raped nearly 400 times. I escaped and hid for several months.

Event 4:
First pregnancy. The rapes surprisingly enough resulted in a pregnancy. I was going to give the baby up for adoption but I couldn't because the agency forces you to tell the father and have his consent as well. When they notified him he came after me and beat me. He was going to force me back to MS until I gave birth so he could have the baby. Fortunately or unfortunately (however you choose to look at it) the baby was killed when he beat me up. So I basically had a late term abortion. Took 2 days to remove the fetus. It was a boy. I would have a 12 year old son now if only.....

Event 5:
Suicide. Not mine but that of a man I loved. Jonathan. He was kind and gentle and loving and a wonderful father. I lived with him in North Carolina. One day I came home and watched him put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger while I was holding his 2 yr old daughter. I couldn't stop him. I was wracked with guilt for years until I realized that his life was his and I have no control over anyone but myself.

Event 6:
Marriage. This would be my first one and I figured my last one. A month after the secret wedding he decides to fess up and tell me he is a crossdresser. Go me! I am married to an Army soldier who likes wearing stillettos and dresses so he can be pretty.

Event 7:
The birth of my daughter. She has kept me alive and going. I would more than likley be dead without her. She was a surprise after the damage from the first pregnancy. I love her more everyday.

Event 8:
Ruby's death. She was a second mother to me who raised me for half the year just about my entire life. She was my father's mother and the kindest gentlest soul ever placed on this earth and I miss her every single day.

Event 9:
Donnie. His mental abuse hurt me so much so that I couldn't leave me own house out of fear for a long time. He can't hurt me anymore though. He tried by lying to the cops and saying I stole his gun.

Event 10:
Second marriage. Not many people know this part of my life. I loved him dearly and he was a good man. My family accepted him no questions asked. Then things went downhill. 12 years ago he was convicted as a sex offender. This brought a whole new aspect into my life. I could have handled it but I wasn't going to put Soleil through it anymore. The cops were always around. CPS tried to investigate us more than once and I called it quits after the second CPS visit. Not for fear that he had done anything to my daughter but out of fear that people can't mind their own business and I could potentially get my daughter taken from me.

Event 11:
My father's death. His wife is responsible for his death no matter what anyone tries to say. If she had stayed away instead of coming back to try to get an imagined $30,000 then my Daddy would still be alive. She is evil and she will face justice someday.

Event 12:
My Saturn Returns. I turned 30 this year and though I know I am nowhere finished growing as a person I feel different. A friend of mine (dear wonderful Shay, who seems to be meant as my teacher in life) told me about something in astrology called Saturn Returns. This is when Saturn comes back around to the point it was at your birth. It happens every 30 years give or take as Saturn takes 29.5 years to orbit the sun. This is when things happen and life changes for you. I now fully believe that these things happen to make you into a stronger person for the next section of your life.

Event 13:
Going to jail over Donnie's vindicitve ass. He got his ego hurt because I refused to marry him and when I left and ended up marrying another man he got mad and tried everything he could to threaten me and hurt me. The gun thing landed me in jail for 3 days. It seems like such an insignificant amount of time but it forever changed me and how I look at the world. Things are not so black and white anymore. I wish I could go back and undo this one but then again I can of like life without the "nothing this bad could ever really happen to me" blinders on. It's interesting that's for sure.

Ok, well that sums up my life in 13 short events. Doesn't seem like much but these are the major changes in my short 30 years. These are what somedays make me feel much older than I am. Like I said I would never change them but I do wish everyone has some events that shape who they are.

Question your life and wonder sometimes if only you had mad a slightly different decision where would you be today. But always enjoy where you are in the present and if you don't like something about your life for God's sake make a choice and go in a different direction. You may not control where you end up but by God you DO control which roads you take to get there!

Trials and Tribulations

No morning blog today because I got out everything I needed to say privately to J in an email to him. I miss him but I am also scared of him. He has me thinking in terms I know I am not ready to think in yet. He is a good guy but the fear and mistrust is an ever present entity for me.

I had every intention of posting a blog this morning. Well it was a blog that I had written previously in a different place but I wanted to put it in so that anyone reading this could sort of understand a little more about me. And for J because he needs to know what he is getting into. And I totally don't blame him if he takes a walk. I am used to it and fine with it. Not to mention I would be better off if he did now rather than wait until I am head over heels in love with him.

This morning, however, featured a different path. The family was going to go out and send some time together. We found a farm over in Richardson that was listed in a book we have as being free. We got over there and there was no one there. They had a few miniature donkeys, miniature horses, and what looked seriously like some miniature Brahma bulls. It was a sad little place that wanted $5 a person now. Well, anyway, Mom decided she wasn't up to going so she stayed home. We got to the farm and took a pass on it because it wasn't worth it. So we went down to Fair Park and tried for the Hall of State, but it was closed for construction. Then we decided to take LeiLei to the really cool McDonald's in Dallas. It looks like a happy meal. She got to play and then eat and then play some more. Then we went to the aquarium store to see if they had any tanks for sale. They had one but it turned out to be plastic so we didn't buy it.

Ok so at this point I guess I see where LeiLei is upset. We came home because Dad2 was tired. I got the info for the horse park and told LeiLei to put on some jeans because I was going to surprise her with a pony ride. She threw an everloving, evil, snot-nosed, wanna-whomp'em-upside-the-head fits. Why you ask? Because she had already put shorts on that morning and didn't feel like changing her pants. She goes crying and yelling out of the room. Spent the next half an hour trying to tell her it was for a surprise but she got the craw up her butt that her little stubborn ass wasn't budging. But once she found out what I was trying to do for her (Thanks Mom...make sure I repay you on that one!); she got her jeans on. Usually (and yes I know not the right thing....you parent your kids and I will parents mine...thanks) I would give in but today I just flat out decided that she wasn't going to get her little fucking way because she threw a fit. It is high time she learned a lesson in niceity. So I explained to her in a very calm voice that I am sorry but I wasn't trying to be mean but a big part of me just couldn't continue to let her get her way after a fit. She is damn near 8 years old and acts like a goddamn 4 yr old. Part of it is my fault because I am a softie and the biggest part of it is Mom's fault because she thinks LeiLei is still 2 and can't help herself. That is a grandparent for you though.

So LeiLei and I went over to pick up some stuff for my grandmother who broke her kneecap a few days ago. LeiLei and I had fun in the stores and on the way back I asked her if she had had fun today because I sure did. She pouted at me (after also getting to pick out a lipgloss in Walmart too!) and said no she didn't and neither did I because she hadn't had fun.

Boy did that one piss me off! I blew up. I am sick as shit of doing all kinds fo wonderful and sweet and surprising things for her only to be treated no better than a stray fucking dog. I stopped talking to her at that point. I had promised to take her to the horse park so I did but I didn't speak one word to her while we were there. It might be childish but she apparently doesn't respond to and civil requests. I am not going to give in to a single fit from here on out. She wants to be ungrateful for things that she has and gets to do. Well then she just misses out too.

She apologized to me and I told her thank you for the apology because it was the right thing to do but it didn't change the fact that I was still angry with her. I told her the way to fix that would be to change her attitude and stop with her rotten behavior.

Goddess knows how much I love that lil shit but I don't like her very much right now. And yes I am venting in a rough manner because I am angry and I know if I deal with her right now I will only spank her. I try my hardest not to spank her unless she just has her head up her butt and refuses to take it out.

I am busting my butt trying to work my schedule around so that she can go to VBS and swim lessons and drama lessons and possible a sculpting class and maybe even a tae kwon do class this summer but she is mad because she can't take the $300 for 5 days horse lessons.

I would never say this outloud to anyone but sometimes I wonder what things would be like without her. I have raised her alone since birth and it has been a hard road.

Ok I am done bitching about being a mom for now. Don't get me wrong I love this kid like nothing else in the world and I would lay down my life to keep her safe. I would do anything I had to do to make sure she was cared for properly. But like any child...she drives you bat shit crazy from time to time. I know most of this rebellion is because she is in the beginning stages of puberty and is trying to exert her own little independance. I have always strived really hard to make her independant but now that she is there....I want my baby back! Irony is a cruel bedfellow....

So now I am sitting here relaxing with a sun burned face. My knees hurt from walkng about 10,000 miles today with having to drag the Evil Twin along. I am hungry and I want a very large drink. I have a bunch to do tomorrow too. I need to put together some shelves and then put my movies on them. I guess I need to go through them and get rid of some of them. I can't bear to part with them though because they only have sentimental value as having belonged to my dad and they have his handwriting on them. And honestly the task is daunting with over 1000 tapes and dvds. Not to mention right now because of my face sun burn I feel like crap.

At least today is Saturday and Harper's Island is on again tonight. Nothing like some murder and mayhem and evil mystery plots to brighten up one's day! I am just LiL Miss Sunshine today! Well at least this is closer to normal for me rather than Skippy Lou who smiles and is giddy and joyful like I have been for several days. I prefer myself dark and twisty and gloomy. I am not all cute puppies and rainbows and flowers. The giddy thing is kind of annoying but I know where it is coming from so I can dig on it.

I am ready for dinner and a soak and sleep. The kidlet got a full 12.5 hours of sleep last night! For the first time ever. She might have slept longer but I moved and she heard me. Dammit!

Anyway, I am off to copy and paste the other blog entry next. Enjoy and don't pity. It is what it is. And I am who I am....who is not Popeye!

The Reason

Tonight I discovered yet again why I only have one child.

Now you might be thinking to yourself. Hmmm maybe she just stopped having sex after her first pregnancy. No as a matter of fact I was actively trying to get pregnant at one point but it didn't happen so I stopped trying.

But this evening I took my daughter to a birthday party of one of her classmates. The first birthday party she went to was wonderful. They painted ceramic things and had pizza and cake. Easy no fuss, no muss, and certainly no danger.

Tonight's festive event however was an oer protective mother's nightmare. We went to a place called Pump It Up. It features several thousand square feet of bouncy things. When I found out what it was and the fact that you have to sign a waiver I decided not to just drop her off but to stay and monitor my kiddo. And boy and I glad I stayed!

Thirty kids! They started off in one arena and we had a few minor ouchies but no big deal. Then we moved to the second arena and that is when everything started to fall apart. Kids were getting worn out after more than an hour bouncing and running around and climbing and sliding and racing each other. Next thing I know there are at least 10 kids who have been injured and are now crying their eyes out.

Ok so off we go to the pizza and cake. Everything went fine there. We had one more incident of crying but it was solved quickly. I also got to to experience a tradition of another culture. The birthday girl is Hispanic and after we sang Happy Birthday in English they sang a Spanish version. Then came time to push her face into the cake. I am assuming it is a blessing of some sort and I am curious to know more about it. It was different and interesting.

Ok since it is so late and I am exhausted I will post more tomorrow. I have so much to say but just can't get it out tonight. I'd be up for several more hours and my eyes are already watering from needing sleep.

Just one more thing. J, I miss you and you better be finding me a really good shell. I hate that you are gone for so long and I can't wait to see you when you get home. Hugs and kisses and lots of naughty thoughts to you!

Today is the First Day....

Of the rest of my life. Who knows how long that will be but with any hope and luck it will be a good long while.

Things are finally looking up after the hell I have been in for the last year. I am starting to enter the ending stages of grief, and I can't wait for the next part of my life to happen. I feel energized and excited again for the first time in a very long time.

The energy coursing through me is insane. I have just absolutely let go of so much emotional baggage. I have tried my entire life to just let go and feel free but I have never been able to.

Why the hell was I holding to such crap? The negativity was eating me alive! Now I feel enlightened and carefree. I know I can do anything. I am not depressed or anxious anymore. Because for the first time I really truly believe that no matter what happens everything will be ok. There is absolutely nothing that can happen that can't be recovered from.

I never believed in that when a door slams in your face opportunity is the wind that opens another. And that other thing opening might not even be a door but you have to take it or you are forever trapped in a box. And hell, one day that box might fill up and become an aquarium.

Ok ok! I know I am getting a little existential over here. But I am an existentialist at heart. Life has no meaning until you give it meaning.

Anyway, I am looking forward to the next step in my life. I have some new friends and a new crush. I also have old friends who I need to work on weeding out the ones who have moved on and changed and don't fit with my life anymore. I love them all but yes....even friends need some spring cleaning now and again. If they are offended then just ask them why haven't they bothered to call or write in months or years. Sorry that is now downgraded to aquaintance again.

I have anonymous penpals that are more interested in my life than some of my "friends." How ridiculous is that?

Oh and J! My lovely darling J. I miss him terribly and he has only been gone for just under 16 hours. He won't be home until Thursday! I have decided to throw myself into busy work until he gets home. No telling how much I will get accomplished.

J is wonderful. He is intelligent and kind. He is a true gentleman. He respects people and gives 'em hell if they are idiots. He is funny and sweet. He is incredibly sexy. I can't wait for him to get home. He is the first person I have ever met that just lights up my life. Everything seems kind of dingy and gray with him gone. Things are better and brighter with J around. Even though I really don't want a relationship I can see how one could develop between us. He is as fascinated with me as I am with him. There is just something there that meshes and clicks between us.

Anyway, instead of rambling on and on for hours/pages I am going to go. Today's project is the garage. It is time to orgnaize and pitch things that ar eno longer useful. My mother is such a packrat. I keep sentimental things too but I am also a firm believer that if I haven't used it for 6 months it needs to go. I guess because we have 4 people living in a 2000sq ft house with no room! For fuck's sake I live in the same room as my 7 yr old daughter. Which honestly I have no problem with because she is rarely in here except to sleep. But I have no real privacy. I think I will go ahead and move my bed into the office. We just need some curtains over the glass doors. It was supposed to be a 4th bedroom anyway but my parents converted it to an office. I just need to figure out how to convince the parents that the computer needs to come out of there! I know the modem and stuff is in here but I can make their computer wireless and then we can put it anywhere. I was thinking of moving it to the kitchen so anyone can use it at anytime. But I don't know if they would go for that.

Anyway, I know I know! I said I was leaving and now I am for real.....

Blessed Be!